Self-loathing

People talk about low self-esteem, but I don’t think that’s my issue. Self-loathing is more like it. I don’t believe I have a distorted self-image. I believe I see truths that most people deny or hide from. I see the ugliness within myself. I see myself doing things that are generally spurred by some strong emotion, but the emotion never lasts. It’s quite complicated and I’m not sure I have the patience to spell it all out.

I do and say things that I don’t really want to do, but I DO want to do. A seeming paradox. I do things that I KNOW will elicit a reaction that I do not desire, usually the opposite of what I do want. Why? And it seems I can’t stop myself. Is it pride? Anger? Some unknown mental ailment? Demonic possession maybe? I don’t believe in God or the Devil, much less demons, but I believe in hell. I’m living in it.

You know i can relate to this very well. I used to struggle with self loathing. I do not as much anymore, but its there. The all consuming doubt that voice that says, “yes but…”. I recall years of looking for some objective truth some “meaning” that could escape my minds ability to deconstruct, or doubt it. The reality, I think that if there are objective meaning we may never find it…

if there is meaningfulness in life, we have to give it that meaning. I wish you all the best, and i am looking forward to reading more of your entries. I certainly can sense that their is mind behind the words….