*Sad Face*
I work at a bar.
It has a lot of older patrons. I’m 29.
I get told all the time how beautiful I am. I regularly get told that I’m the most beautiful "young lady" they’ve seen. And I can’t help but wonder if the reception of beauty changes over time. I used to think I was beautiful, but that was many years ago. Maybe I just got used to seeing my face in the mirror. I see that I’m pretty, but beautiful…I don’t see that. I see the worth I have to be in my mind, and honestly, that’s the whole origin of any ego that I have. I know better than anyone that beauty fades. Maybe that’s why I don’t see it.
I currently date a 23 year old. I guess that means I must have aged decently well. Yet, I’m constantly waiting on him to realize I’m "old". And leave me because of it. My skin is awesome, though, I guess because I never tan. I constantly get told how soft my skin is, how good of a complexion I have. Nobody ever really compliments my personalty. I get told that I’m "so cute" it’s hard to stand… or that I’m so sweet. But where’s that gonna get me?
I get told I’m sexy, that I have a nice ass, that my tits are great (for a 29 yr old…I have hardcore standards) and yeah, some guys appreciate that I’m smart…but really…it all fades as you age. Even the brain. Then what’s left. How am I supposed to get through old age? I wrote once, in a journal from 15 years ago, that I was going to die by my own hand at some point. I can’t say that that has changed.
I’ve always been the “smart girl” – all my life, when people tell me how great I am, and I ask them to tell me what it is that makes me great…. “oh, you’re just so smart!” … AND?! so what? how does that make me WORTH anything? anyone can become smart, they have books and the internet and schools for that. something that anyone can have, does not make me “great”. or worth anything, in the end.<br> so, basically, what I’m saying – is that I can relate!
Warning Comment
Don’t give me that bs, I’ve complimented your personality more than once. Your face/body/intelligence is just an afternote. People overvalue the physical way too much. It can’t get you off as hard as the emotional/spiritual. You also think younger men are a lot more discerning than they actually are. How many guys have you actually dated? You’re awfully naive about the lot of them… >.>
Warning Comment
I guess the person you love enough to trust all your imperfections to… well.. who knows what they’ll do with that privilege, but that is not the important context. What you think of your aging is actually the important thing, and I hope you are able to recognize the true beauty of aging one day (even physically). Tho the physical aspect can seem doubtful without the validation of a 3rd party(s).
Warning Comment
Helium tanks and tubes? Umm, the question was if they were as vivid and as deep as they are as mine…and if they can take up the whole of your awareness in big patches. I’m a lucid dreamer at night sometimes, or in the shower if I work at making the right situation for it, and I have this world I used to dream of quite frequently. Hold on, I’ll find a link to an entry on it…
Warning Comment
Blah, after digging around for ~10 minutes in my essentially label-less diarty I’ve come up with nothing. It’s not that important anyway…I was more interested in what you dreamed in a specific sort of sense. Dreams are really important to me. Not the wants and desires type, but the uncontrolled type. I want to know where peoples minds go when left alone. Says a lot about them.
Warning Comment