Really Need Help on This One

In response to me asking why things turned out the way they did to the guy that recently said he only wants to be friends…I know it’s long…but what do i do?  I really just don’t know how to act at this point.

Him: They turned out like they did because you got up and left in the middle of the night telling me you didn’t want to get more attached.  I couldn’t go back to the way things were because I’ve been burned like that before, then got back together and got burned again.  In my head, if someone ends something, for whatever reason, it wasn’t meant to continue.

Me:  So if I had stayed…even after being all emotional like that…things wouldn’t have changed?  And you didn’t change your mind because you just started getting tired of me? Because I thought that might be it…because it didn’t make any sense to me that you didn’t want to be with me anymore that easily unless there was something wrong with me.

No, I didn’t get tired of you.  It hurt when you walked out and I felt like it would happen again. You left me in the middle of the night, telling me you were cutting us off.

God no, Cody.  I was just thrown.  I’m crazy about you.  I get attached super easy.    I was scared and didn’t want to cry in front of you..  I remember saying I didn’t know and told you to text me the next day right before I left.  If I had known you would’ve felt that way I would’ve just bawled in front of you…pride be damned.

That’s not how it felt and that’s not how I read it.  It hurt.  Pride is on of the seven deadly sins.

I had no way of knowing that was the worst thing to do.  What was going through my head was that you were leaving and you knew it so I must be some kind of sexual play thing.

Nope.

Now I hurt all the time and life is so much harder.  I hate it.  It’s just so godawfully lonely.  You were the only person I’ve met in this hellhole that I felt comfortable around, like I didn’t have to edit my words.

I’m sorry, but I’m just as emotional as you and I’m just protecting myself.  We are still friend though.

If you meant that and me leaving is the only thing that changed your mind, then please please please reconsider.  My chinese zodiac sign is the dog =P  I’m not a leaver, especially if I’m wanted.

I’m sorry, Kerri.  I won’t let myself do that.  I’ve done that too many times before and got burned worse each time.

I’m not asking you to jump back in to dating me, but at least spend time with me and see what happens.  I’m different.  You just didn’t get a chance to see it.  If we had ever talked about my philosophy of human attachment you would know.  Please don’t make me suffer because of other idiot girls.

I’m not making you suffer.  Things happened.  They were unfavorable and now things are the way they are.

If you don’t want anything serious or you’re interested in someone else I would understand , but not this.  I don’t know how it is for you but it’s very difficult for me to find someone to be with.  Every time I’ve had to settle.  ANd then I met you and I kept thinking something was gonna come up and it never did and I feel like a dumbass for flipping out now because I’m probably going to be living right outside of where you’re moving to anyway come January.  I wish I could just turn attachment off but I can’t.  Seems like you can and I call shenanigans because that is so ridiculously unfair.

I’m just following my instincts to not get hurt again.  Can you blame me?

YES! If you ever had any feelings for me, take down your damn walls.  None of this not letting yourself.  I’ve been so miserable this past week, desperately trying to keep myself distracted.  I’m not an incendiary.  I don’t burn.  I sure as hell wouldn’t burn you if you’d give me half a chance.  I’m the one that has to worry about getting burned.  History proves it.

No, Kerri, you already burned me.  I’m not going back.

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“>But I didn’t! I told you I just didn’t know and I told you to text me the next day.  That’s a far cry from just ending it.  Please.  This is so unfair.  Your instincts are way off, just as were mine that night.

No! You said you don’t want to get more attached!  When I asked if we could still hang out, you said you doubt it and you left.  I’m not going against my instincts again.  They’ve always been right.

They aren’t this time.

I’m not going to risk it again.  I get hurt every time I do.

Please? I wouldn’t be fighting this hard if I didn’t think you were worth it.  I’m not stupid and I don’t take things for granted.  If everything you say is true, you’d never have to worry about getting hurt from me.  This is why I feel that there has to be another reason.  I don’t cheat and I dont’ get bored with people…those are the two biggest things that cause hurt in relationships.  

But you leave if you think you’ll get hurt.  You proved that to me already.  You left because you thought I was going to leave.  I won’t change my mind.  I’ve been through this before.

Would you hurt me?  All you have to do to correct that is to tell me you wouldn’t hurt me.  I’d believe you and I’d have no reason to leave. And honestly, from the pain of this last week, I’d rather be with you and risk getting hurt than to go through this hell for another few months.  At least if you hurt me, my rationalization would kick in and help me move on.

But you already left Kerri.  It already happened.  It’s done.  And that’s what I’m doing.  You hurt me and I’m moving on.

How is it leaving if I tell you I just need to collect my thoughts and I tell you to text me?  The most damning thing I said was that I didn’t know.  It’s not fair Cody.  There’s got to be something else for you to so adamantly push everything away.  Don’t move on.  Please don’t.  Please just trust me.  I promise I’m worth it.  Look, I’m sorry.  I know I’m being pushy, but you’re important to me.  I like how your mind works.  I want to know more.  I want to see what else is in there and your version of friends just doesn’t give me that.  It’s like you’ve locked me out.  It kills me.  That’s what hurts the most.  The outside is just a shell…pretty packaging doesn’t last.  I can get over that.  At least ask other people if they think that’s leaving too because I really don’t.  I never said it.  And if you had asked me to stay when I was standing at the door, I would’ve caved in.  I swear it on my own life.

I did ask you to stay.  Kerri, calm down. We are still friends.  I’ve tried to hang out with you since but you have cancelled both times.  I want to be your friend.  I want to hang out.  You’re getting worked up over something that happened over a week ago.

Because I’ve been worked up this whole time.  My spectrum is bigger than most I think…my highs and lows.  The first time you tried to hang out, I was at work and the second time, I crashed emotionally and didn’t want to expose you to it. It may be old news to you, but it still feels like yesterday to me.  The only calmness I’ve had is when I swim in the ocean.  And I didn’t think you meant it when you asked me to stay.  I thought you were just trying to make me not hurt.  I would’ve believed you meant it if you asked me again.  Sorry I’m like that.

It’s just a shitty situation.  Things are meant to be the way they are.

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“>Not true.  And I could prove it if you’d let your guard down again.  I’m living proof myself.  Things can be how you want them to be.  Sometimes it just takes a little effort.

Kerri, no.  Please respect my decision.

I do.  It just doesn’t make sense based off what you’re telling me.  I feel like there’s something missing.  I know what I’ve said is true, so it’s like, how can you just say there’s no chance if it’s really all based on you thinking I’m the type of person to hurt you.

Because you DID! Misunderstanding or not.

Intention means everything.  And look at the facts.  That’s what gets me.  If I had said "I cant’ be with you anymore" or something definitive, I’d have no argument, but that’s no the case.  I repeatedly said I needed to clear my head, told you to text me and that I wasn’t sure.  Never that I didn’t want you, the opposite actually.  And you’ve hurt me now, so we’re even =P  So kiss and makeup???

No! You said you don’t want to get more attached! You stopped things! Please stop arguing with me.  Respect my decision, please!

I asked for time.  I didn’t stop things.  I’m sorry for arguing.  I’ll leave you alone now.  I just hurt.  I didn’t realize how attached I was and I don’t have this on/off switch that you have…sorry. 

25 minutes passes

I’m really sorry if I upset you.  Seriously I am.  I’d give you a flower if I knew how to make one in text but I’m not that awesome.  Gnight.

Thank you.  Goodnight.