My Original Philosophy

Long ago, I once wrote an entry about "grabbing life by the balls."  It seems, at 27 years of age, I’m realizing that my first serious impression of life was correct.  You always hear how teenagers always think their interpretations and beliefs about life are completely correct, but they usually are incorrect.  Yet in retrospect, I wish I had followed my original instinct.

When I was between the ages of 17-20ish, I had the philosophy that life was about experience and the one experience I knew I was not meant to have was sex.  I was prepared to die a virgin. And while I’m in a good relationship now with, arguably, one of the greatest guys in the world, I still kind of wish I had stuck to that philosophy.  I lost my virginity when I was 21 to an undeserving idiot.  If I had never given up my lofty ideals and stuck to my original belief, I think I would be much further along in my life.  I think, by now, I would’ve accomplished a lot more, expressed myself more adequately, and cultivated my talents to a much fuller degree.  

My reasoning behind my "no sex" policy was that, without the distraction from the opposite sex, without the emotional hindrance, one would be more capable of achieving greatness in whatever path they choose.  By being able to fully commit to whatever *music, art, philosophy, dance, sports, anything really* one is able to go beyond the norm and to truly stand out, escape from mediocrity.  Also, contributing to this view was my assessment of emotions.  People seem to always want what they can’t have.  Especially in relationships.  For the relationships that do form, it seems the passion inevitably fades.  This line of thinking was spurred on by my studies in psychology and the chemistry of the brain.  I believed that by never falling into the relationship trap and never going past the innocent indulgence of attraction in the form of lip-locking, I would be able to satisfy my cravings for romance and passion and not be hindered by the complications that arise if it progresses further than mere kissing.  

Of course, probably because of my ignorance and my idea of what sex was, I failed in that goal and gave in to carnal pleasure.  But, looking back, though sex is great *at least currently* I can’t help but wonder if my life would feel more complete if I had followed my original plan.  My fairytale ideal has never been possible.  I did what I promised myself I would never do, and that was to accept what WAS possible in this world.  I’ve allowed myself to slip into mediocrity; I’ve allowed my talents to go to waste.