Letting Go

Perspective.  Everybody has it.  Everybody has their own network of interpretations through which they view life.  They are all different.  Some are largely religious.  Some are completely self-sufficient.  Changeable?  Yes, under certain circumstances, but generally not on command.  I can’t help the way that I view things.  I can’t help that I look at things from farther back.  I don’t see day to day, individual life.  I’m looking at things from an aerial view, looking down on humanity, on America in particular and what I see is a youth-obsessed, media oriented culture and I also see almost everybody as part of it.  I can’t say all because I obviously don’t know everyone.  But I’ve never met anyone that stood out from it.
Why do you have to attack me for the way I believe?  Why do you have to try to change me?  Why can’t you just try to understand?  If you really understood you wouldn’t get so argumentative about it.
It’s not a malfunctional viewpoint, either.  It’s really not.  It works just fine as long as there is someone there with me in life. 

No, I don’t value myself because I know there are other people just as smart or smarter, just as pretty or prettier, just as anything as I am or better.  We are all human. I’m no different than any other human with similar genetics.  But I want to believe that I am.  We all do.  I can’t swallow the everyday bullshit that most people use to get by.  I can’t be satisfied with a religious explanation or hope or chance or whatever most people use to get by.  Much of the time I can, but when reality hits me I can’t.  And I could be wrong.  I know that.  But I don’t see it and I can’t until something comes along that "clicks" and makes me see differently.  So I can only operate on what I feel/know/believe.  That’s all any of us do.  That’s how humans operate.  There’s no point in me arguing the validity of my viewpoint.  It doesn’t matter whether you believe it or not.  What matters is that it’s what I believe.  I just need you to understand so you can see WHY I feel the way I do instead of telling me all the reasons I’m wrong for feeling it.  You saying all the things that you say doesn’t cause us to do anything but argue. 

I say that I need someone to survive, that there is a limit to what I can deal with because of the way I believe, because I see futility in suffering.  You can say that’s weak, but that’s just your perspective. It may be; I honestly don’t know.  None of us really does.  All I know is that all the chemicals in my brain that cause me to work the way I do, the way I’m built, the experiences I’ve had, the life I’ve lived, the things I’ve seen/known/perceived have led me to be this way.  I don’t necessarily want to be this way, but I am.  However, I have adapted somewhat.  I have determined what I need to be successful in life, to be happy, to be able to deal…and unfortunately, at the moment, it’s you.  Really, it could be anyone that I loved to that extent.  I don’t need to be the best or the prettiest or the most talented…I just need to be the most important to one other person in the world.  That’s enough for me.  That’s it.  So the philosophy of finding worth in myself doesn’t work.  I can see the worth; I can see how things I have/possess matter to a lot of other people, but it doesn’t change the fact that it doesn’t help me.  It doesn’t lessen the pain and it doesn’t make life worth living for me. 

Any reasons you give me for continuing on the path I’m going or whatever…none of those matter.  They really do fall on deaf ears because I see it all as defense mechanisms wired into our DNA.  Natural thought patterns that our brains revert to in order to keep us motivated, to perpetuate life, just like the sexual desire we feel exists on a basic biological level to help perpetuate the species.  Right or wrong…the only thing that gives my life any meaning (to my way of thinking) is to be important to someone else.  I completely understand how people can use their children as reasons for existing.  I’m sure you’ve heard people say that before.  I know I have. 

With this being said, please  just try to understand.  That’s all I wanted from you.  It would make this knot in my stomach go away if I just knew you understood.  I’m not asking you to love me.  You can’t force love; I know that.  You either feel it or you don’t.  But I can ask that you not view me through the lens you were looking through earlier.  Please be open-minded in this and understand.  I hope you can.  I don’t want to feel this horrible feeling that I’m feeling now.