Just Waiting on the Materials

Hmm, there will be those that think I’m weak.  I don’t care.  There are multiple perspectives, one being that it takes a strong person to make the decision to kill themselves.  It’s not easy.  It’s scary.  And for anyone that has done the research, you know what you’re facing…panic, the body’s natural inclination to fight for survival, possible mishaps, something going wrong…etc.  But, I’m tired.  I’m tired of clinging to feathery hopes to get me through to the next day.  It’s a cycle.  It always will be.  But for some people, the upswings just aren’t anywhere near balanced with the down swings.  I’m tired of having so much to express and not being able to do it satisfactorily.  That’s hell.  I’m tired of causing my family to suffer.  And yeah, they will suffer because of my death, just like I did when I lost my grandfather, my father really.  But time heals all wounds to where life is still enjoyable for those that don’t have the mindset that I do.  

I know all the arguments.  I know how people can make me out to be selfish and yadda yadda…but maybe it’s selfish of others to want to make me stay here when I’m in so much pain so much of the time.  This isn’t just a typical depression.  This is a major realization of life.  Good times can come again, I know.  But worse will follow.  Like the death of those around me as I grow older.  I don’t want to deal with that.  I don’t want to deal with getting older and losing my mind, my body, everything deteriorating.  I have no religion telling me there’s a point to it all.  So for me, there’s not.  It’s insane to continue to exist in a state that is constant pain.  I’ve had maybe 2 high points in the past year….all guy related.  A masquerade.  Just a veil over the truth of life, my life at least.  During those times….that’s when music/art/games/travel….all the good things in life that we are supposed to focus on, that’s when they meant something to me.  Without Sam or Cody….or whatever guy happens to make me feel that way…nothing appeals to me.  I’m a drug addict.  I’m addicted to the chemicals in the brain that flit around everytime you fall in love or are in love.  Without that drug, everything is ugly and painful and pointless.  

And don’t get me started on the money/school problems.  That’s probably the clincher.  I’m done.  I’m angry.  Fuck it.  I don’t want this anymore.