Dissonance

Regret is the past in dissonance.  One’s perception of past events, the real and the expected, at odds with each other.  True regret is when you expected so much for something to happen, saw that it was happening and then you see yourself make a move that causes that path to shift and suddenly…nothing is as it should be, how you expected, how you wanted.  And you can see that it just might actually be your fault.  That you could’ve stopped this unpleasantness from happening.  That you had some control.

What if this is my hell? My payback for whatever bad things I’ve done? Dissonance.  Living forward but with the ghost of your past being played backwards from that one bad decision backwards…playing out every sweet moment, stolen kiss, look of affection…all playing backwards.  Like the best events of your life are unraveling, playing in reverse as you watch them from your new vantage point…

I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom mirror and, for a split second, I saw him standing behind me with his arms around me, our eyes meeting in the mirror and smiling.  There was so much love in that one look.

Memories of that type are an endangered species….fading.  It just feels dirty…hurting like this…feeling this way.  Dissonant.  Not right.