Dark Spot

There’s a dark spot on my soul, on my psyche.  Don’t know how it got there, but it hurts and aches and siphons all joy out of life when I’m alone.  I can’t be alone.  I just can’t.  I need affection and love and care because those are the only things that keep the nightmares at bay.  It’s a horrible curse because being this needy, this emotional…it just scares people away.  I can’t open up to anyone and show them this because they run.  And yet I can’t accept love from just anyone.  It has to be someone that I desire.  I don’t mean that physically.  I’ve been physically attracted to a lot of guys and could not accept them into my life.  I mean a desire for the person as a whole.  I don’t feel it often.  That’s what scares me.  Every time I lose someone that I do feel that pull towards…it seems like one more harbinger of a lonely destiny.  

This me…the one I am now, and the one I am when I’m in a relationship with someone, are two completely different people.