Breaking

I hurt.  I cry.  I thought getting over Sam was bad, but Cody totally eclipsed him.  I hurt so badly I don’t even know how to describe it.  All I know is that I’ve been fighting this, fighting it with neurochemical research and facts and science and I’ve been doing well, as long as I exercise and eat right and a keep a skin-tight schedule.  THe moment I deviate, the moment I make the slightest mistake, not taking my vitamins, missing a workout…whatever…I break.

I break back into a thousand scattered pieces and goddamn, it sucks.  I’ve fought so hard, just to survive, just to  be functional, and I remember him…without the shields and without the pretty lies I’ve composed for myself to believe in and it fucking breaks me to dirt.  To nothing. 

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February 8, 2012

Love, or the search for love is always a hard process. I tend to use things to distract from my own thoughts. When I can’t, when they creep on me I think I feel much the same you do. Knowing that feeling, I hope you feel better soon. Take care.

February 8, 2012

Surround yourself with people instead of being alone to dwell. Talk about it with someone. It helps. I’ve done this too before. Tis at the very *start* of my diary if you want to read about it. ;P Damn girl led me on too, which made that whole fiasco even *more* fun. -_- As I said before, I’m always around if you want to IM me.

February 8, 2012

Sokay bout not watching the last one. I don’t even remember what it was anymore, you kinda just dropped off the radar in that conversation. D= Sorry, my memory is hella bad in some ways. Kinda wonder what it was now though. Hm….

February 8, 2012

Love doesn’t fade, ephemeral emotion does, which is what you’ve been feeling for these guys. You get off on it as I’m sure you already know, and you don’t want the druggie high to stop. Love is NOT like a drug. It just is. I think your evaluation of yourself about sustaining emotion is spot-on. I can do the same thing, especially with negative emotions. ;P Too bad not the good ones so much.

February 8, 2012

I think I’ve told you before, but I’m still thinking about it now so I’m going to tell you again. REAL love is not like this roller-coaster-ey infatuation that most people take it to be. It’s not absolutely adoring another person either, or thinking they’re incredibly attractive. Love takes a lot of time to grow, years, and it doesn’t ever go away even after years of nothing.

February 8, 2012

The feelings you describe as love are rushing, full, exciting and interesting like a whitewater river. Likewise, they’re necessarily at least somewhat shallow, and rocky to boot. You couldn’t have the rapidity and excitement w/o the rocks in the water under the surface generating extra current, you couldn’t have the speed of the water push push pushing you further if the water was TRULY deep.

February 8, 2012

Real love is more like a bigger lake. It’s very very deep and would be impossible to completely drain. It’s calm and doesn’t react much to the outside environment, and even when it does that’s only the surface. 3 feet underneath and all is still calm. Everpresent, evercaring, everdeep and NOT very reactionary. That’s what real love is.

February 8, 2012

Of course, there are other things too. Not much can grow and live in a whitewater river, but lots of things grow in a lake, not all of them pleasant. Along with the fish comes the weeds and algae. It’s hardly all positive, but it’s acceptable for what it is. Part of loving is accepting faults even though they disgust or aggravate you. *twirls and winks at you*

February 8, 2012

That’s how I understand love, having experienced both. It’s not all great and it’s certainly not going to be your everything, but it’s a great stabilizer for the rest of your life. I’m not sure love is what you really want though. You thrive on the rush and on the moment. You WANT that river, you know?

February 9, 2012

Love as an endless tsunami for me! (destructive, but hey)