A New Approach

Well, I’m a long way from a tiny crush that started in August.  It turned into much more, at least for me.  Cody.  /sigh  He was perfect, as far as I knew.  Beautiful, same, age, similar interests.  Getting ready to graduate with his MFA in December…deep, yet witty.  Taller than me, nerdy in highschool, another similarity.  But…not open enough.  And apparently moving to LA in December…and content to let me slip through his fingers.  We only dated for almost 3 weeks, but that’s all it took to get me hooked.  Got me over my ex though.  I see, for sure, how that relationship would never have worked now.

Should’ve known it was my turn for a "too good to be true."  Documentation of related conversations lies in earlier entries.  And now?

I still miss him like hell.  Had a mini-breakdown last weekend actually.  But I’ve recovered somewhat.  Managed to find my next distraction and I know that sounds bad, but every relationship except the 1st has started out as a distraction from the pain of the last.

I’m fighting on this one, though.  I’ve recovered from everything else, but something about the one-two punch, back to back hit of Sam (my ex) followed by Cody …really hurt me.  I think I might actually have some serious scars from that.  I’m terrified of pain/rejection now.  I used to see each guy as an individual, no relation to any previous hurt…everyone got a clean slate.  But now, I see potential pain no matter who I look at.  So I’ve noticed differences in myself concerning this one.

I’m definitely holding back.  It’s hard.  I’m deliberately leaving options open.  Usually, upon any sort of intimacy, I immediately shut down any other opportunities.  My mind closes off and focuses because I’m just that way.  A one guy type girl.  But I’m fighting that.

I’ve told him I get attached easily and that I play no games (though apparently I’m learning to now).  I haven’t played hard to get at all, though.  No sex, but that’s just self-preservation on my part.  My emotions are directly attached to my vagina.  I wouldn’t even have a chance at holding back if I were to go that far.  I learned that with Cody. 

I keep telling myself that I can’t make assumptions anymore.  I can’t operate on this "innocent until proven guilty" mentality, thinking that a guy is perfect until proven otherwise.  I need reasons to trust, to commit, to stick around.  I don’t like being this way.  I hate it.  

Score one for reality and the world.  It’s taken them almost 29 years, but they’re finally beating the fairytale out of me.  I’m finally losing ground and…god…just the acknowledgment of that makes me want to die on the spot.