A Dangerous Path

I’m on a dangerous path. I don’t have so many reasons anymore. I’m running out of reasons and that leaves nothing but the immediate desire to be happy, content, whatever. I know that what I want will never exist. Only in short bursts and that’s not good enough for me. Nothing ever is.

I’m tired of following all the rules. I’m tired of obeying all the traffic signals, of being herded and coerced by society and life and the modern world. I miss the wildness. I don’t like this world. I don’t like speed limits. If I’m gonna burn, I want it to be quick and fiery and bright, blinding and beautiful. I dont’ want it to have a chance to be dirty.

And so that’s where I’m at now. Cody was the last serious heartbreak I could handle without becoming jaded, without seeing reality. Now I see. Worst suspicions have been confirmed.

This is not to say that I cannot feel. I can, but I no longer harbor any sort of illusions about "forever." Cody even said it: "Everything comes to an end." And I’ve finally accepted that, but there is part of me that will never accept it and that part of me is what almost killed me when Cody and I went down in flames.

I see it. I can’t NOT know the truth of it all now…and so, I’ll ride it out. I still had a little hope as the reality of Cody began to set in, but that’s the last of it. THere won’t be enough to sustain me when it happens again. And I’m okay with that.

I’m no longer afraid to love. I want to. I want to feel completely enraptured by someone again. But I know that I’ve got maybe one more turn in me and when it goes sour this time, that’ll be the end of my story. I’m ready. I’ll milk that emotion for everything it’s worth and ride it to the pinnacle and jump from the apex.

Love will be the death of me, but it’s the best reason to go. It’s worth it, to be able to feel like that. It’s just the absence of it that is hell. Nothing is worth anything anymore when you lose that emotion, when you lose the person that makes you feel like that.

Love.

Cody. That bastard

I hope he knows what he put me through one day, what it feels like to feel that way about someone and to have it thrown back in your face. The loss of magic. I’m just searching for that next magic moment. That’s all. That’s my goal in life…the next magic moment. That’s all I have to live for now. I find it in the spurts of passion I have with my current boyfriend, but I know it won’t last. But it keeps me distracted in the mean time.

*laughs* Don’t worry. Anyone comes by, I’ll let them know what you think.

Halcyon

February 10, 2012

The reason why isn’t because you’re fundamentally different, the reason why is because you don’t TRULY like this current boy; I highly suspect you’re only using him as a buffer, whether you see it this way or not, against the despair you’ve been feeling. Have you thought of that?

I agree +/- with your feelings on hope. I dislike the emotion as well, though I’m not quite as vehement. ;x *pets you* xD

You’re reading my entries of 7 some years ago. I was a very different person then. I’m more thoughtful I feel, and a *little* more deliberate. I’m also a lot more jaded and a lot less given to such platitudes. Love exists, and this I know, but it isn’t that love I was writing about then. I think that now…I’m less jaded about love itself, more about people. Love exists and is real…

…but people, SO MANY people who claim it, or aspire to it, are not worthy. It’s like most ideals, sadly. I feel I was once worthy of it. But I don’t know if I am anymore. In some ways I’ve found that I simply *want* it less. I want everything less. Sometimes I catch myself just drifting from little high to little high and not really caring about anything else. It worries me.

But sometimes I feel it when I look at certain women, or talk to certain others, the strongest desire to just be with them, to fall into them and their world and just totally give myself to them and to us. It’s a weird feeling…because sometimes I barely know the girl. It’s just like…an intuition. Or a fools desire. Who knows.

How far did you end up reading into my early entries? They rapidly become a crash. ;x It hurts my heart just to consider that. Remnants of past scars.