you hold me without touch

I like necklaces the glow and jingle as i walk because here is me and i am happy.

I like things that are soft on my skin. They are comfort and soothers on rough days when routines poke me [i am wearing a fleecy blue shirt. I am my own sheep].

I really do like music that kind of crawls into my pores and just explodes explodes explodes there, and you almost dont know what to do with your limbs or your fingers or your toes or even your heart because everything’s just exploding inside and you take this breath and its like the world is in that breath. Its the build up. It is the slowness and even when you know the climax is coming, your body is still not prepared for it.

[i have been listening to City by Sara Bareilles And would you believe me that her voice is just what i need to hear?  In these deep city lights,Girl could get lost tonight, I’m finding every reason to be gone. Nothing here to hold on to. Could I hold you?]

[maybe. i need to be held]

The things I found out today:

• I have a final exam next friday. I havent even looked at the material
• I have a lab report due Monday and im just the silly head who hadnt bothered to check.
• Going to sleep at 5:30am means there is a risk someone will wake you up at 9am. And this amount of sleep is unhealthy and will provoke naps on laptops. With father waking you up, "How are you going to do any work if you just sleep?!!"
• The Russian-English translators online are genius.
• Clementines are good remedy for nausea.
• Liquid sour cream [smetana] may not sound so good but oh my god.
• My dad can bake.
• It is impossible to teach a deaf russian uncle how to pronounce "equation" right.
• Im confused and I dont even care to sort it out.
• I should never bother keeping anything in the bathroom. Brother will throw it away anyways.

I got this email in my inbox today from one of my older subjects:

H:  Unfortunately, my husband had a minor accident on Friday. He fell, hit
his head on a strike plate, which resulted in 15 stitches and a swollen and
black eye. I think we need to postpone.  His stitches will be removed on
Mon, Dec. 4, so we probably can do it on Tues, Dec. 5. Let me know if this
works for you. 

This scares me more than you will ever know.

We are not immortal [even though we may forget sometimes].

My uncle came into my room. Boris. The one with the hearing problem. All you can do is smile and nod at him and I feel bad because I feel like I am making faces as i would to a child. And so he walked in and saw me reading in poor light and he forgot what he was going to tell me and just kept telling me that i need preserve my eyes and ears. "I would give anything to be able to listen to music again," he said and what can i say? What can i say? I am young and i am foolish.

I want to sit in a field. With long grass. On a warm summer day. And Id like to sit out there in the sun and sing and talk and then lie down and watch the stars come up and it will be perfect because you can keep me warm.

Or maybe i live in daydreams too long.