undertow

It was a cloudy cold autumn day. When the sun set, a haze hung over campus. The lamposts looked like they had halos around them. It was the kind of atmosphere that murder mysteries happen. And the grass glistened. I swear it glistened. Every. Single. Grass blade. Sparkled in the twilight and it made me smile. And I smiled from smiling.

Its been another tiring day, and originally i really wouldnt be writing about it but it is still nojomo. A couple more days. And you guys may not hear from me, for a long while. ha! Ill go back to hiding and come out to play only once a week.

Im really upset about this one thing. So upset i want to punch walls, cause the anger and disappointment is thumping in my blood. And I could talk about it. But whats the use? It is all silly anyways.

I finally had dinner at a decent time. Liz had called me. And its nice when Im called to dinner and I open the door and everyone is happy to see me and we all sit down to a table with salad, chiclen and rice. And what am i going to do next year? What am i going to do without my liz and marina?

Im pretty sure that when graduation comes along and it really hits us that we are going to be going seperate ways, we will cry. We will cry floods. Because even when we do see each other years from now, it will be different. And life is but a shore. You will never get the same tide. Change change change.

Tonight:
Liz: When Andres comes, I’ll be humping him. No more humping for you.
Me: But! thats not fair. I want to be humped.
Liz: Marina can hump you.
Me: Marina doesnt hump the way you hump.

*above convo was done in an act of procrastination when Liz decided to sit behind me on my small chair and she had a spoon full of Nutella and when she was done with it, she drooled on my neck as we shamefully looked at t-shirts online.

To do list:
1-russian presentation tomorrow
2-finish russian take home test for tomorrow
3-spss assignment due tomorrow
4-run subjects in experiment
5-study for autism final on friday
6-read papers for thesis
7-table for volunteer vacations fundraiser
8-do all the russian hw i havent done in the last week
9-ask for extension thesis(!!!!)
10-write thesis

Ive decided that music is my therapy. Ive decided music is my best friend when I am all alone. Ive decided music is everything and anything. Ive decided I cant live without music.

I want to live in the present moment and not worry about a thing. I want to lose myself in the scurrying moments. I want to get lost. [with you]

I ate a pack of peach rings today within 5 minutes. The peach rings swam around in my tummy. I was slightly hyper. And sick. Maybe more sick. I miss hyperness. I miss being a bouncy ball.

This Friday we might be going out with our RA because we won the suite decorating contest. Well they originally advertised it as "free dinner for the winners" and when we won, they sneaked in the fact that our ra had to be with us. Liz is planning on marrying me off with our RA. He is jewish and premed. I asked her if she was going to refer to him at any point in the night as "future husband" and she said "of course" and i wasnt surprised.

In reality, Ive never been attracted to the pre-meds. Theyre too hard-core. Their brains are too much about numbers. And I like boys with music and paintings and words words words in their minds. I like boys who can write me poems, not organic formulas. I like boys who can paint infinite landscapes and not draw physics diagrams. etc etc etc.

But. I wont deny. Our RA is a cutie pie. He only met me once and he still waves to me. I like those kind of people. Who wave. "hey you exist! and i know it!"

I really must do some of my to-do list. Dontcha think?