passing afternoon

I woke up this morning, thinking about Jack. I dont know why or how. But there I was, with half open eyes and my mind racing with thoughts. And. Its not good. Its never a good thing when I wake up thinking about Jack. Because there is nothing to think about.

Do you tell someone who has hurt you so much, that they have had a really good influence on you? does he even care to know?

Why am I still thinking about him, after so many years?

I cant seem to be useless. Everything that I do these days, has to have a purpose. I am incapable of being a blob. I dont know what has happened. Where has all my laziness gone?

I have this urge to bond with people I havent seen or heard from in a while. Today I walked with Elana. We talked about friendships. Friends are transient.

In a little bit, Ill be eating lunch with Aliza. We definitely need to talk. But the talking that I need to get done with her, will have to wait until next week. When we are past the “so what have you been doing the past week?!”

My data for my thesis looks like crap again. I dont know what im going to do. the idea of redoing the whole experiment and trying to find 40 more new subjects, puts a queasy feeling inside my lungs.

I have a paranoia towards strange holes in rooms. Or dark spots. They signify either that it is a roach or a hole in which a roach can come through.

Marina has already reserved the time share. So that a bunch of us will spend a few days getting tipsy in an expensive hotel and then spend New years roaming the streets of New York City. Crazy but great. Too bad, I will not have a boy to kiss at midnight. Is it bad that Im desperately trying to find someone? Gah.

I miss lips on lips. I miss soft touches on skin that speak grand things. I miss it all.

I am patient. I swear. I am patient.

Yesterday Bob [the boss] dressed up as a pirate for our annual lab potluck. He made all sorts of funny sounds. At first it freaked me out. But then I giggled. I asked Jess “why?” and Jess said “because he can.” Ha!

Paint It Black is waiting for me to read it, but i just cant get myself to read it. I want to read something happier than a story about a boy committing suicide. Suggestions? I need a book that will make me want to stay up nights. I need new friends in pages. That are addicting. I need something that as amazing as Time Traveler’s Wife.

I should go. Must do some more errands and then hop over to Aliza’s then back to apartment to pack bags.