i see

I cant stay away from this place. It felt all weird going to sleep last night and not writing in here. Oh. The addictions we make in life.

This morning i woke up to Liz talking on phone. Andres is coming. It shall be interested experience with a boy living here. There goes parties of dancing in bras. Also i might drop some habits, but im not sure yet. Like, when i come home the best part about it is that i like to get comfortable. I put on sweats and take off bra. I hate bras. They constrain my boobs and make em go owie. Of course I would never not wear one in public. But. When im home, im bra-less. Always. And maybe it might not look too good if there is a boy living in our apt and im walking bra-less. Hmm. Maybe im making too big of a deal.

It was also the night of going out to dinner with the RA to get our free dinner. Of course we picked out the most expensive place. And ordered TONS. And the bill came to be about 200 dollars. Reslife will think twice about offering this prize again. ha!

The ra was nice. He really looked you in the eyes. I like people like that. Most americans never really look you in the eye. But then again he is israeli. He and I hit a topic that I totally wanted to run with, if the others at the table didnt distract me. “I dont believe in bad luck,” he said. And. There was a moment. Where we just stared at each other, daring the conversation. And then Liz called out my name and the moment was gone. I tried to run for it again. But too late. Gone gone gone.

There was one awkwardness. The ra brought his friend cause he didnt think he could handle us 3 girls. He felt too “pimp-ish.” He brought this kid, Eri. A turkish dude. Why did he make me feel uncomfortable? Because. Long story short. I promised him sex freshman year over AIM. It all has to do with the fact that he was under my friend Esteban’s sn and I thought Esteban was joking about having sex with me. But no. It was Eri. *sigh* online is tricky like that.

I cleaned hardcore. It was meditative. There is something about cleaning sometimes that clears out not just your place, but your head too.

It is saturday and on one hand, im really chill right now.But on the other hand, I feel panicked that Im not panicked.

You know who was panicked last night? my mom. She knew i was at the library till midnight on thursday. So she worried that walking back I’ll get raped or something. And so this friday evening when i didnt call her, Im sure all sorts of negative thoughts went through her mind. She called me a dozen times at dinner, but i couldnt pick up. And I hate hate hate hate it when she does this. To herself. And me. because then I feel super guilty. And i know I shouldnt. And. Ugh.

I really love my girls. Did I say that already? Because i do. They are home. They make me smile. With silliness.

Marina yelled at me in russian today to get out of bed. Liz got confused. And Liz was trying to let me pick out her underwear for today. Sex underwear or not? And we just work somehow. All 3 of us. And. Im lucky.

on that note, i end this lame entry and off i go to get changed. And do errands. And go to library. FOREVER.

A picture to make up for my lame entry: