fallen

She paused. One of those thoughtful pauses. And I braced myself for what may come out of her mouth. Her eyes were staring into mine. Sympathy glazed them. As if she wanted to cry for me.
 
“You are fallen, and he is not even here.”
 
She said it. She said it so calmly and poignantly. My heart felt like an empty room, with her words in it.
 
It made me sad.
 
And at the same time, I put on an armor of strength. I defended myself. I defended us.
 
“But. Youre so involved. Don’t you remember coming into my room, half in tears when he told you that he’s ‘taken’”, she said it as a matter of factly. Yes. I do remember. The word still echoes in my ears, from time to time.
 
[“But but but I realized that “taken” didn’t mean I cant be in his life and thats all i want-to be in his life,” I tried to tell her.]
 
There is a large part of me that feels the need to record all my feelings. All the moments here. I am recorder of moments.
 
This is OD after all. I have not been doing much of writing about one of the most important people in my life these days.
 
I had been scared and nervous.
 
I don’t want to be scared anymore.
 
I am a believer in small things. I am a believer in recording the small things that make me smile. [and yes you make me smile]
 
I am the Fool.
 
Jack was always right, when he called me that.
 
I am a fool for words. I am a fool for emotions. I am a fool for connections.
 
We bare to each other everything and anything and sometimes it amazes me that two people can share so much and feel so limitless. Do you get it? The feeling of infinity. There is some sort of infinity in our words. In us.

Emotionally. Intellectually. Spiritually. And all we lack is physically, because as luck would have it, we’re only thousands of miles away.

I sent a kiss the other night. I blew it with my palms open and my lips curled. I blew it across those thousands of miles and you caught it in your soft hand and tightened your grip on it, as you placed it safely underneath your shirt, close to your chest where your heart thumps.
 
And I said, “that’s a good place for it.” And we nodded with our grins.
 
I am a fool for such moments. I am a fool for you. I am a fool for us.

Sometimes
I wonder
about my friends’
concerns.
What if it is
one sided?
and
i hate myself
for doubting