circles in my head

I spent the weekend in New York City. And it was my dire need to get away from things, but in the end, i think I lost out.

I feel like Im yelling to connect with someone. It is in the small moments. Like when Liz and I both yell that someone has left hair in the shower drain. It is in those moments, where i feel connected and at home.

Its bizarre I know.

Im hoping this week when I spend some time with Aliza and others, I’ll feel a connection.

[So that I can feel as a somebody]

I did go to the beach. And I really wish I could just live there. There is something incredible about the beach in winter when the breezes are extra mean and you get numb from the cold and yet you keep walking and listening to the waves and making promises by the shore.

I have to keep the promises I make to myself. They are mine. They are most dearest to me.

I dont like lies. I feel like life has been stuffing lies into my ears.

Tori Amos has a really negative effect on me. I have to watch out for when i listen to her music.

I maybe avoiding mirrors again. I hate it.

My heart feels heavy with burden. I wish i knew what that burden was. Maybe it is the fact that im a horrible daughter.

Is it possible to be tired of hoping? Can hope exhaust a person? I feel entirely too exchausted these days.

There was a moment today where i thought of taking a hiatus from everything and disappearing. And it dawned on me. No matter how hard I may try to run away from things, I cant run away from myself. Putting a hiatus sign on OD is not going to fix anything.

The funny thing is, I dont think there is anything to fix.

Im going crazy, clearly.

The best part about New York City was when my bro cranked up the music and it was techno and something about life being good good good and the lights of the city were hypnotizing, they were everywhere and it felt, in that moment that life could not get better. Everything was throbbing.

Hope is only exhausting if you let it become a burden

White Coat

December 19, 2006

what serleth said.

Photoshop, or sometimes Capture NX. Depends mostly on how many photos I have to edit. Less photos means I use NX. It’s generally more powerful.

Capture NX is a Nikon-specific photo editing software, built to read Nikon RAW files to an amazing rendering of quality. RYN: I don’t edit photos. I process them. Processing means enhancing what is already there, such as contrast and light levels, the exposure rating, or fine-tuning the temperature. These are all things I could do in a dark room, or with use of filters. Editing, to me, implies changing the actual content of the image. Removing or adding objects, etc. That, I refuse to do.

RYN: keep in mind photographs are not merely captured images, frozen moments exposed onto emulsion (or digital sensors), but they’re also art which means that processing photos (whether via darkroom or digital imaging programs) is simply another step in the artistic process. it’s like painting, except with cameras and chemicals (or pixels)