08/10/2011

 -I love discovering new cafes. Yesterday Will stopped by and we chit-chatted and he was holding a coffee cup I didn’t recognize so I asked where he got his coffee from and then he told me about this cafe with air conditioning, amazing coffee aaaaand free wifi. And what do you know, here I am in the atmosphere of dimmed lights and hearty conversations and steady computer eyes and quirky sandwiches (I ordered a grilled turkey sandwich with apples and cranberry sauce).

-Since yesterday I have been feeling like the depression will hit me if I dont do something about it. And ever since I read Eat Pray Love, I have been determined that we are under the control of our emotions and if I dont want to be depressed, I dont have to be. So today has been a battle of sitting on the couch watching bad tv or not. I cleaned up my apartment. I set up an appointment with career services [to pursue the question of whether I can have a job outside of academia with my program]. And if you saw me as an outsider you wouldn’t have thought that this girl was battling the "i hate life and all i wanna do is curl up into a ball and hide" demons. 

-My depression or whatever you want to call it, comes from when I dont have much to look forward to. It’s like WHAM, I see a tunnel full of just frustration ahead. Yesterday I got a glimpse of my teaching-assistanship obligations. Im going to be TA-ing for statistics which I wouldn’t mind if 1-the classes didn’t meet like a bajillion times a week 2-the undergrads wouldn’t hate and misunderstand math as much as they probably do 3-the prof was more reasonable and explained things better. She’s not going to allow for make-up exams…I mean how cruel is that?! I told this to my mom and she said "well. She’s german, what do you expect?" And when I went to ratemyprofessor.com she had a really bad rating. So it will fall on me to explain things and Im scared because I dont explain things as well as I’d like and ugh. "Just embrace the fact that the undergrads will come to you and will love you for explaining things better and you feel rewarded" my mom tried to cheer me up so that I wasnt completely debbie downer about the whole thing. But what if I dont explain things better? Then I’ll be hated even more. My fear comes from true horror stories that ive heard. 

-For the record the coffee here IS amazing. When did I become such a coffee connoisseur?

-I had an amazing weekend with the boy. We went to my new favorite store and he fell in love with it too, and we bought too many "snicky-snacks" [eg olives, homemade red pepper hummus, cow milk cheese, pita, hot pepper sausage, etc] and went to picnic at Mt Tom, where there was barely anyone around and we admired all the wild life in the pond. We even threw tiny rocks at the water snakes to see if they would move. We admired the swimming turtle and tried to decipher the fish. And then we found some patch of green grass and lay down talking about life with my head on his chest and my feet intertwined with his. And when we got tired of that, he read Subtle Knife to me, and we both tried to figure out where the concert sounds were coming from. At home, we made cheese and I tackled the process of making strawberry preserves. We stepped on each other’s kitchen toes but we forgave each other. Drank tequilla. And got naughty in the kitchen. 

-This weekend we’re looking at more wedding venues because I am impossible want the perfect one ever. Ha. I actually dreamt about the one that we had been making appointments to see but something keeps getting in the way. Its bad when I hype things too much in my head. We’re also hoping to take my parents to a couple venues…if they approve, we will feel or err-I will feel more calm about saying yes to one of them. 

-Thalia’s mom died. I havent been too sure of how I should support her. She actually called me up on Monday and wanted to go for a swim. And I merely hugger her tight and then didn’t ask about how she’s doing or how her family is doing even once. In my experience, everyone grieves differently. Some people want to just escape into normal life, and I really think she’s one of those. So I rambled about entertaining things and we gossiped. 

-Marina and I were supposed to have had a skype date last night but she stood me up. I extend myself and ask her out on a skype date and she stands me up. This is after her forgetting my birthday and then telling me that I dont initiate enough. Yes she texted after she was an hour late that she got wrapped up at her friend’s place playing piano. But in the email when I told her "hey you stood me up. Im tired and not waiting anymore because I had a bad day", she didn’t even ask why I had a bad day. More and more, I just see how selfish she is. Liz told me "i expect you to make marina your maid of honor" [which is a whole other craziness] and I wanted to tell her that I honestly dont even want to make marina my maid of honor. Or Liz for that matter. Ugh.

-I really should go do what I came to this cafe to do. Work on this darn paper!