Night Thoughts

The irony isn’t lost that this subject header is one my grandfather used in an online journal entry from the late 90s. He was up late thinking about the Vietnam War and wrote about it.

Fun fact, my moon is in Scorpio and last night, that was the position of the moon. I’ve always thought that when it is a Scorpio moon–my emotions are totally haywire. Mom and I bought the Vietnam movie, The Last Good Measure. There are numerous times where I was totally a puddle of tears and sadness. After the movie ended, I was so upset my Grandfather isn’t here. I cried to the point of hyperventilating. I push everything that has happened so far out of my mind and then there are things that make it all come back. It is like trying to room full of water contained…you can hold the door shut but the water will leak out of the sides until it finally wins. Tonight, the wall of water won.

Maybe one day on here, I’ll get into my Grandfather’s story. It has almost been 11 months since he left this world and I miss him. I’ve had two people in my life that I truly felt were ride or die, that is Mom and him. That is my circle. It is a bittersweet paradox. It was such a wonderful blessing and gift to have been loved by someone so unconditionally but it is an incredibly lonesome and sad feeling to not have it anymore. Tonight, I can’t help but feel the sadness. I know that it will pass but I miss him. I wish our country would have honored these men instead of spitting on them after the War. I feel that it is only a matter of time before people forget about the War and it is only a distant memory. Such is life…

I ordered a dog tag with his fingerprint on it. I’m glad I did. I had a custom message on the back: “Hey Bud!!”

When I read or think about “Hey Bud!!” it reminds me of him, happy, sitting in his recliner watching TV. Comfortable. It pains me so much that he will not see me graduate college. It has been 12 years in the making. This dog tag will provide me some comfort though when I do walk the stage. Life is so short and as Ferris Bueller says: “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” I know that sadness is a part of life but tonight hurts bad.

His picture is on my desk. We were in Ohio for my 21st birthday…hard to believe that was almost 9 years ago. He looks so happy. In the photo, you wouldn’t know it but I had just finished up some waterworks (shocker). We were back at the House On The Lake. That is my first memory of the emotion ‘happy’. I remember feeling so happy there at his home on the water. When we went back to Ohio and I saw it, I was just so happy to have someone like him and Mom in my life. I’m proud that I never “took him for granted” as many other people do. I always knew I was lucky and blessed to have my Mom and Grandpa.

After I exerted so much energy crying my eyes out for an hour, I ate two Lunchables, an entire canister of Planters Cheese Balls, and an entire box of Little Debbie’s before crashing to sleep. Grandpa used to get the Cheese Balls by Planters for me when I was little, they discontinued them quite a few years back but brought them back. I didn’t see them until yesterday. Maybe that was his way of giving me some again last night because he knew I’d have an emotional evening. I’m up now wide awake listening to an ‘Anti-Anxiety Ambient’ playlist on SoundCloud. I know, I know–I must sound bipolar but I’m literally doing anything to turn my thoughts off. There are very few things that can get me this worked up and depressed. My Grandfather meant the world to me. I feel like he was too young to go and that I had a good 10+ years with him. Then, I feel guilty for thinking those thoughts because someone people don’t have 28 years like I did…

They have a Wikipedia article on my Grandfather’s mission in the War. If you want to read about it, search VO-67.

It is 5:30 am now and my Night Thoughts are subsiding. I’m actually tired. Maybe I’ll head back to bed now. Thanks for reading about my Grandfather. He was a cool dude.