we are tired.

This tiredness won’t leave me.
Need to talk to my doctor.
Need to talk, its meant to help.
Meant to notice when I’m falling into patterns.
meant to not give in.
meant to thing about how good things can be.
cuddled up under the covers, watching the fish, swim in there cage  made of glass imagining  the stars.
seeing my own cage, feeling the bars,  occasionally wanting to make it litual.
chatting/flirting to someone in bulgeria, a doctor apparently.  He concerns me. He’s said some concerning things to me and it takes a lot to concern me.
More than normal, but I like the idea of getting someone to drown me it appeals to me,  – giving oneself completely to someone is a fun fantasy, being someone by enabling others.
Drowning is more appealing than burning, I used to dream of being burnt at a stake, that wasn’t pleasent. He would probababy make my bars literal.

water was always my element what im drawn too wandering bare feet in a stream, long candle lit baths, showers to wash away the dirt.

Still its not reality, I must work on myself more.

I’ve been doing better in some ways.I’ve been cleaning my teeth daily. I’ve been doing my skin routines/makeup, bought new clothes.  (I should post a pic)
Worse in others. Oh I’ve eatting so much chocolate. It makes me wonder why I’m not diabetic it would be apporiate death. Work, work has been too slow, my concentration well I’m meant to be working now instead im writing this, I’m hoping to clear my head, my tiredness by doing so.
Exercise has been no existant, need yoga. More importantly I need to cycle to work and definatly not spend a small fortune on taxis. Work is a distance. work is an hour and half via cycling train then more cycling. half hour by taxi. my bank loves me for the amout I exist in my overdraft.

Anyways more coffee and more work now.