mood swing

IM bipolar and i have borderline personality disorder and I hate having mood swings. i hate being happy one minute and then the next wanting to kill myself.  I hate feeling sad. I’m sadder then I am happy. been this way for 15 years. i cant self-harm because of where im living. moving out seems the best thing so I can self-harm again.  what do I have to offer the world? im just a fat blob that does nothing.  i am trying to make a paper journal but I even fail at that. i fail at killing myself. i wish I would have died.  right now im in the process of tearing off a toenail. i have done it before. i deserve nothing but pain and suffering. i hate everything at the moment. the good thing though is that I hope to start to go to counseling soon. i dont know how well that is going to go and I dont want to do it but I feel like I am being forced to going. I hate being told what to do. if I want to kill myself I should be able to kill myself. i dont want to live in this pain anymore.  its what I deserve.

my  moms boyfriend really hurt me and I dont know If i can forgive him for what he had said to me. he had said i cant live with him and my mum is because he is scared im going to kill him in my sleep. he was drunk but it still hurts and that dont mean anything. he has played humped me while i was standing up and i was freaked out. my dads gf grabbed my breast and she is a drunk. both of my parents say they mean nothing by it. isn’t that sexual assault or something. i dont know. all i know is that i dont like to be around people anymore. i was drugged when i was younger by the guy i was supposed to babysit for because i was a night person still am. he wanted to do coke but i didn’t sleep i was high as a kite. i was also raped repeatedly when i was 21. i was homeless at the time. my mom called me a niggers whore 4 times when i told her i was raped so i guess i deserve that too.