Open diary

I am here on my bed, vaping. I want to explain myself to you Open Diary. I feel like I just want to write all day for therapy. Who is reading? What are they thinking? You don’t know me. I am going to write on this platform for the next year, completely unselfish-consciously to see if I can organise my conscious experience. I wonder more than anything whether my writing looks erratic because I don’t really make much effort when I write – the thrill is in the writing anything and publishing it. I used to get loads of kind comments, well not loads but they used to come. I wonder are there fewer people on this platform now? It’s a funny thing to make yourself known in this context, to complete strangers. I feel like I need to excuse it. But my life isn’t worth all the bother that goes into overthinking these things. I feel like I need to make myself heard and not worry what anyone thinks about it. I feel like I need to say absolutely everything it’s possible to say and think about it later. “ the kinds of people that write on open diary” I wonder what that means. You know when something becomes stereotypical and you realise after the fact that you have become subject to it? I wonder if that applies with Open Diary. Because it’s my lifeline e right now. It’s my solace and my slow moving vehicle out of this place. Just to write and write about your personal life in public all day. I don’t know why that’s my main point of healing. Why the public but, why not just my journal. I think it’s ‘to connect.’

Atargatis

October 13, 2022

I too need a lifeline, but I have yet to find one. I didn’t mean to upset or come across as judgemental, that was not my intent.

You appear to be intelligent, articulate and a bit narcissist. Do not worry about me. I just happened to stumble upon this website while looking for something else. I did not seek you out. I wish you all the best.

6 replies

@yemaya

hi Atargatis,

no worries, I wasn’t upset. Just writing whatever comes up. I’m not sure if open diary is about you – is that what you’re saying?
I feel for you that you need a lifeline. This website is really good for that.

thank you for saying my writing appears quite positive. That means a lot. I hope you find some support here or elsewhere and thank you for your comments.

Also, I write on here for therapy. To try and make sense of my mind. It’s quite a vulnerable place to be heard.
I think it’s probably quite hurtful to call someone a narcissist.

October 15, 2022

@pandorajcp

Hello Dianthus

Thank you for taking the time to respond back to me.

It is brave to write in such an open forum and say what you truly want to say. Kudos to you!

There are a couple of comments that I do not quite understand though 1. “I’m not sure if open diary is about you” Are you saying that this website might not be what I need?

2. “thank you for saying my writing appears quite positive” I did not say your writing was positive. I said you appear to be intelligent, articulate, and a bit narcissist. I find it curious that you interpreted that comment into “positive”.

I do find what I have read of yours to be positive, but that is not what I had said.

And, when I described you as narcissist, that was probably a premature description, because I have not read enough of your writings for that to be a fair or true statement. Therefore, I apologize for using such a harsh word, but if you do have NPD, there is nothing you can do about it, and would not think any more or less about you. We all have something, some are just more extreme than others.

Hi Atargatis,

thanks for your comments.

1. No, I’m definitely not saying that at all. I meant that none of my writing is directed at people writing comments, it’s just ramblings coming out of my mind at any moment.

2. Received. I took the comment positively.

thank you for calling me brave. It is very uplifting to receive a comment like that. I try to give myself to this experience of openness because I really need it

i wouldn’t want people taking my writing too seriously because of it, for me it’s just therapy.

have a good day.
yours,

October 19, 2022

Hope this note finds you well.

Thank you for taking the time to clear up what I had mentioned. Much appreciated.

I must also need to give myself to this experience of openness. I have tried to be a regular member of an open forum group in the past, only to have it fail. There is a lot I do not feel comfortable with when interacted with other people. I don’t believe myself to be shy as much as I believe myself to be non-trusting.

If I were you, I wouldn’t worry about if people take your writing too serious or not, because most of the time people have no idea what they want or need anyways. People are to quick to judge yet know so little about what they are judging.

Don’t forget you have the same value as anyone else on this Earth. No matter what social status they have or what coat they wear.

Be true to yourself

All the best

October 20, 2022

Dear Atargatis,

I understand. I share all that kind of information on here. I just burble and try and get it all out on the page. ‘I don’t trust people because .. ‘ try and be as vulnerable as possible at all times to help me.
maybe that would help? It really helps to make your unconscious thoughts conscious – then the universe helps you through you empowering yourself through self-expression. If you are really plainspoken about a problem you’re having I find it solves itself so there’s no need to live in fear.

is there a reason you don’t trust people?

this is so true about judging. I get so distressed by it. I think it’s a fear of death or something. But it’s not really something that can hurt you. It’s happening inside another person.
I’m really working on not being hurt when I’m judged.

thank you for saying these things. I really really value that you took the time to write them to me.

thank you Atargatis,

dianthus