jigsaw

i haven’t been writing.
i haven’t been wanting to write.
i feel like a mess.

I’ve just moved into my very first home. a home of my own, and I’ve never felt more unsettled, ever.
I know it will come. 
Once we’ve bought all the furniture we need, found places for all the things we have. Painted the walls. Decorated rooms in ways that make my heart happy.
But right now, that feels a million miles away.

Frankly, I feel like I’m living in someone else’s house which happens to have all my stuff in it.
To make matters worse, I’m feeling like an ungrateful brat for feeling this way.
And so the cycle continues.

The built in dishwasher is broken.
We can’t find the fuse to the oven hood extractor fan. 
The grass has a will of it’s own and we’ve still not bought a lawn mower.
A spider’s egg has hatched in the spare room, and as much as I think those tiny tiny baby spiders are pretty cute, there’s just so many of them, and every few days a whole fresh bunch just appear after I’ve vacuumed all their siblings up.
We don’t have a shower. Daily bathing is already driving me crazy.

My mood is foul most of the time.
I’m taking my frustrations out on Ben.
and instead of telling him how I feel and I’m just acting like a moody cow.

Work is stressing me out as I’m becoming increasingly unhappy. 
And that’s just adding fuel to the fire.

I fly home on Monday.
I have to work today and Saturday, and I have my first bout for the Bristol B team on Sunday.
When, oh when, am I supposed to pack? I’m only left with Friday and I still have so much to do around the house. and I have a bunch of gingerbread to bake for fundraising at the bout (why did I volunteer to bake again?). And before I can pack I need to do laundry. 

I’m supposed to be excited about my first proper public bout. And I’m not, I’ve just got too much stuff to do, I don’t have time to feel excited, only stressed.
And I should be thrilled about going home, but I’m not. The whole time I’m away I bet I’ll be thinking about all the grubby walls in my new house that need painting. 

And isn’t it ridiculous that Ben and I keep saying "we really need to have sex before you go away" and it still hasn’t happened. We even had date night 2 nights ago and when we got home we watched 3 episodes of weeds, I fell asleep in front of the tv and then went straight to bed. And it’s not going to happen now either. Ben’s on earlies and I’m on lates. And oh yeah, I got my period today and I’ve had a cold for a week. 

As much as I hate to admit it, maybe this holiday is just what I need right now.
Time on my own.
Time away from everything and everyone, and this house.
Time spent with my shoes off and the African sun on my skin once more.