change of heart

I’ve fallen off the ODsphere, and it’s because my head and my heart and my life has felt like it’s been in turmoil over the last 6 months and I haven’t known where to start.

We bought this house in September, it was supposed to be the beginning of our new life together, living the dream and all that. We had a space vs location dilemma which faces everyone purchasing property, and we chose space. I’d rather live further away from the city and have room to breathe at home than live with everything on my doorstep in a one bedroomed flat. 

Likewise, property in the nice part of town is expensive, so we chose a less-than-nice part of town. I would NEVER consider living somewhere I didn’t feel safe, so although the neighbourhood we were house hunting in wasn’t the best part of the city, it was by far not the worst either. 

We bought a terraced house, so our house is sandwiched between 2 other houses. Sharing a wall with the house next door can be noisy. We very quickly learnt that our neighbours on one side are not the nicest people. They throw rubbish over the fence into our garden. They’re noisy and inconsiderate, playing loud music at all hours of the day. There’s yelling, shouting, screaming, all the time. They’re also the sorts of people who given a dirty look, would probably make your life a living hell. 
It’s not all bad though, they greet us when we see eachother over the fence or by the front door, they sent us a christmas card, and they’ve taken parcels in for us when we’ve not been home. The cons seem to outweigh the pros though. 

I’m pretty whatever about the whole thing, I figure if we keep to ourselves everything will be fine and I’ve even started to learn  to ignore the noise and just pick up the rubbish without a grudge. 
Ben, however, has not taken things so well. 

The neighbours are causing him to have acute anxiety. So much so, that last month he told me that it’s getting so bad, we can’t live here anymore. At first I told him I understood that living next to them isn’t ideal, but selling the house 9 months after we bought it was a little drastic. We left it there. 
The next day he told me again that it was too much for him and we HAD to move. I gave in, and we started house hunting online together. Shortly followed by the realisation that in order to get out of this area, we’re going to have to go from a 3 bedroomed house, to a 1 or 2 bedroomed flat. Not only that, but in 9 short months we haven’t really accumulated any equity in the house so we’d have to find thousands of pounds to pay for the estate agent and the solicitors, money we just don’t have right now. 

That night I fell apart while Ben was at work and we had a stupid fight over text. I told him he was being selfish, and that I also felt selfish for feeling that way! I felt so angry, and I couldn’t stop crying. Right at that moment it felt like my entire world was crumbling. 

The part that fucked me off the most was that it was OTHER people causing this problem in my life, it wasn’t actually Ben, it was some stupid people who live next door, who we don’t even know, why should they have any control over my life!? It fucking sucks. 

I love our house, I really do, it’s the perfect size, it’s beautiful, everything is how we want it, we’re 10 minutes from the city, there’s always parking on the street, Elroy loves the garden, and so much more. Even this neighborhood, it’s not bad. We definitely won’t stay here forever, but right now, this house is just what we need. And it took me months to paint walls and decorate and buy furniture, and no word of a lie that Ben waited until the very day I hung the very last picture on the wall to tell me that he doesn’t want to live here anymore. I know those 2 things are not synonymous, but in my mind it seemed so paradoxical.

It was a tense couple of days where I was swinging wildly between feeling resentment towards Ben for making us move from our perfect home, to feeling awful that the love of my life was suffering from anxiety that was taking over his life and I wasn’t being at all supportive. 

Then it occurred to me, why should we have to move because of these people? If we both love our house, why do we have to leave it? I told Ben that even if we moved, he’d still need to get his anxiety problem sorted, so why don’t we tackle that first and then see if it’s still necessary to move. He agreed (I think) whole heartedly. 

A month on and I feel this whole thing has put a huge strain on our relationship. Every time we’re together in the house and I hear noise coming from the neighbours I can see the worry written all over Ben’s face, meanwhile I’m trying to look like I hadn’t noticed the noise, or Ben’s distress, or the fact that he’s physically shaking. It’s also left me feeling like a selfish bitch, because ultimately we’re staying in this house because I don’t want to move, I don’t feel like there was a point where I put Ben’s needs over my own. 

And that brings us up to date, we’re still here, we’re still not moving, the neighbours are still being a bunch of shits, and Ben still hasn’t booked any kind of anything to help with his anxiety. 

In the midst of all of this, other things have come to light too. I’ve never hidden the fact that I have a desire to travel before we have kids. It’s just something I need to do before I settle down properly, or I know I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering about the adventures I missed. Ben makes all the right noises, but deep down I know he’s not as passionate about it as I am. I had grand plans of running off for a year and seeing dozens of countries. I’ve had to compromise on that dream because Ben never felt comfortable being away for that long. Each time the topic of travel was brought up, it got whittled down from a year, to 9 months, to 6 months, and now we’re down to 4 or 5. I actually don’t even care anymore, even if we only went away for 3 months I think it would at least be something, a "better than nothing" that I’d be happy to settle for. 

I’m 29, the baby clock is ticking and I’ve really only got about 3 years left before I can stop putting it off, especially if we want 2 kids. Going travelling needs to happen soon, but we just don’t have the money saved yet. There’s really no denying that buying this house put us in debt. With help from our parents we managed to scrape together our deposit, but we went from spontaneously deciding to buy a house, to actually buying one too quickly and we just weren’t financially prepared for it. Through a VERY difficult winter in the aviation industry, the months that have passed I’ve been scrambling to get on top of my debts. Just as I felt like

I was drowning under shattered life plans and a looming body clock Ben dropped the moving-house bombshell on me and it felt like a final straw. 

We’ve talked about all of this now, and we’ve agreed we’re both going to get our finances in order, we’re going to pay off all our shit and actually save some money. We’re going to be good. 
This is the reason I decided not to go to Eastbourne Extreme, because a train ticket to Brighton was an expense I couldn’t justify. It’s also the reason we’ve cancelled the plans we had to go on holiday in September. 

To add to matters, ever since I got back from SA in October I’ve been in a funk. It was mainly to do with that massive fight Briggs and I had and losing her as a friend affected me more than I ever thought it could. I think also the realisation that I could never go home again dawned on me with a heavy heart. South Africa is not the country I left behind, nor are the people I left there. My life is in England now, but my heart really isn’t, so where does that leave me? Where can I call home? I know Ben being an ex-pat kid feels exactly the same, possibly even worse- his parents live in Portugal, his sister in Dubai, and his brother in Taiwan. The only thing keeping Ben in Bristol is me, and this isn’t my home either. 

My mind feels like it’s going a mile a minute all the time. I need everything to just slow the fuck down. 

I’ve recently been chatting via text to someone I’ve been friends with since I was 12. We lost touch a bit after high school, but she’s recently really been there for me. She was telling me how positive thinking has really worked for her and I really feel like I need to give it a try. 

Right now I’m going to start with a list. A list to organise my thoughts.

– Get Ben help for his anxiety, in what ever form he thinks will work for him the best, and really support him through it.
– Pay off my debts. But actually pay them off, not say that I’m going to be better with money and then buy a new dress for no reason. 
– Save. Find the same discipline I had with money in 2005, when I was earning half the amount I am now and still managed to put money away every month (AND have a great time, how did I do that?)

-And most importantly, I need to change my attitude.
– I need to let go of the past, old friends have changed and moved on and don’t want to be my friend any more and I need to accept that.
– I need to realise that even if I don’t feel at home in England, it’s my home for now. I need to live in the moment and trust that someday I’ll end up somewhere I will be happy. 
– I love Ben, more than I’ve ever loved anybody and I need to show him that. I need to be more supportive and affectionate and show him that we’re a team and we can get through absolutely anything together. 
– I need to be more positive. Fuck all the people who hurt me, fuck all the things that are upsetting me, just fuck it all. From now on only happy thoughts, what’s done is done, I can’t change it. 
– Be thankful for all the things and the people I have in my life. I’ve been so busy being in a grump about everything else that it’s been a long time since I stopped and smelled the roses.

What will be, will be.