to perform

i.

i feel, i start, i am
adrenaline in my
arms shaking backstage,
mouthing the words to lines i won’t say
holding onto an arm here, a wall there,
feeling this dizziness in my head
spinning;
lipstick makes my mouth stick to my teeth,
they chatter
im still shaking because this matters,
damn it, this matters, because if i don’t do it,
if i don’t project, if i don’t, use diction
i am an actor wasted.
i am a lie without a purpose.

ii.

lights,
sharp tongues are heavy
and make you hallucinate.
i will look only at one girls face
because there is soul in her eyes and i need
soul
to keep this monologue moving,
and my body stops shaking;
i fondle your hand; i enunciate;
i pull you close and let you
wander all over me
i whisper so you [they] can hear me.
push hair out of
my face
covered in rouge and
bleached with maybelline.
girl in leather,
girl in white pants,
girl with painted eyes and ruby lips.
i am here, i am alive and i am pumping your attention through my system.
i eat you up like
a venus fly-trap.

iii.

quiet laughter.
drain this out,
smudge our faces so they are streaked and
our eyes bleed black.
there is no need to stop these contagious smiles:
god it feels good to
perform.
god it feels good to
be alive.

strangers are intrigued on the train:
from the neck up we are
cheap.
from the shoulders down we are
artsy?
rainbow belts, scribbled shoes, tattered coats and patched jeans.
a mystery
to a wandering stranger-eye.
and they listen closely.
and they wonder at 
(the complete works of
shakespeare)
in our hands.
their eyes tell us to keep smiling.