thoughts inspired by the foggy 3:30 a.m. sky

and the rising fog takes me too, takes me into an open sky with winking stars, stars that only tell a story that is an abominable distance from the truth I want to hear.  and I’m tired, ready to stop seeing the fog rise from my own mouth, let it become the sky, and that’s how you and I will be, one cloud of sky, mingled breath and late-night summer romance and an overwhelming sense of belonging, of matching and synching up like two molds. and this chemical stone doesn’t get any uglier than the miles of space that should be empty but are really filled with third-hand smog, third world energy and bustle.  give them the tools but not the moral incentive to take care of the earth.  give them every reason to destroy, give them every reason to try to compete.

my emotional landscape is a topography that can’t be measured, and I am emerging, with every letter you write and I can’t be cautious enough to prevent my mind/lips/heart/from wandering across the gulf of Mexico onto yours.  and who knew this would explode like an airplane in mid-flight, an engine failure that seems beautiful from afar.  but see what am I comparing you to?  i’m terrified.

I feel like an emergency when I realize that the only way to do this is to repeat all my past mistakes. I guess that’s my biggest fear, acknowledging that those lessons (about distance) may not have been any good.  because why else do we make mistakes, if not to learn from them? and I can’t commit to you, as lovely and compatible as we may seem.  and as much as I want to say that you are the only one I see, I am constantly torn apart by desire, by fantasies and ideas of other people (inside me, on top of me).  that’s where I find myself in the middle of a rainy day or late at night after just enough rum.  I find myself letting them touch me, maybe kiss me definitely press themselves against me and I know that I can’t give that up, not now for something so foggy and faraway, because this is too new and uncertain.  if only we both knew how to come up with an equation for patience, for how to be serene and not jealous and not unhappy and not filled with longing (for each other and for everyone around us) during every free moment of every day…