oh, these dreams

i imagine the horizon closing in,
behind my eyes i dream of escape.

(i dream of mexico, spain, venezuela, new york, arizona, tall buildings and empty spaces)

fight the claustrophobia of my life
push the walls and feel my muscles contract
nails break, skin scrapes, and i can’t fight anymore.

(opened a door, expected to see the sky.  instead, concrete greeted me, laughing with an expansive mouth, ‘you can’t get out through here, silly girl, turn around and go to sleep’)

but sleeping brings these dreams:

i dreamt that i was asked to decide whether a little girl should live a long life of sickness and tragedy or die a painless death on the spot. i cut the string that symbolized her life and an image came, a little girl with a blue dress and long brown hair, reaching for cookies in the cupboard of her kitchen, an arm outstretched and ready to recieve, when her breath stopped, and her body went limp all at once, and she fell onto the floor with her blue eyes still open, and her grandmother ran to her and realizing she was dead started cursing God, and God leaned over to me and whispered, ‘see?  this is how it feels’. 

i don’t want to sleep.