i guess i should have known

i guess i should have known i’d miss you.

there are thousands of minutes filed away, consenting to my tears and breaking free in my dreams.
i had a dream i hated my stepmother; that i screamed at her until i cried and i woke up crying.  in the morning my eyes were covered in sleep.  i guess i cried all night a little bit at a time, a steady trickle. 

a million times i forgot you and remembered you again.
a million times i caved, or so it seemed. 
your words are sweet, i crave them.

you, my mexican escape and my border patrol. 
ill see you once before you go back to your homeland.

it’s breaking my heart now, long after the fact that i ended what we had, that you were my everything once. 
you are thumping through my veins, too loudly to understand my thoughts, they whisper low.

i prayed in spanish to a different god, i let silence oppress me in the darkness, i am a sad singer, an empty writer, a deepening shadow. 
only some nights.

i’m glad i didnt give in to someone new so soon.  i’m clearly not ready.

i should have known it wouldn’t be so easy.