I dreaded that first Robin, so…

the air withheld rain
like the dial tone swallowed your voice,
refusing.

my body cradled yours when spring came, and
(against its will)
faded,
fingers flush against your temples,
wishing away time and its
creeping tendrils trying to enter
the borders of our consciousness.

***

i hardly remember last spring at all. 

it was gobbled up in the concrete sterilization of bus routes, estimated times of arrival and unpacked suitcases.  there was some futon-related nudity, and the red hot chili peppers sang along everytime you revved your engine.  but mostly, i was lonely and stuck wishing for a year which had rushed by and filled our hearts with doubt and compromised us both.  i still feel your green eyes, melted and weepy-looking, wondering at me over $5 iced coffee.  we were comfortable, coasting along in our familiar patterns from may on out. 

but what was march?  where did april go?  maybe it was then that it started unravelling.  you were gone and i was up to my ears in schoolwork.  it all runs together, the distance, the drinking, the wandering around in the woods–the self-destructive attempts to erase your identity. 

but april is the month that brought us together, almost two years ago.  and that’s why, when i feel the sun  and baseball field dust on my face along the side of a certain creek, i feel that season welling up in my throat, and i’m sorry that i hurt you.  i’m sorry every day that i couldn’t love you the way that you loved me, and that i didnt see my soul mate when i looked into you. 

i realize, as april looms on the horizon, that i miss the way we watched the sunshine through each other’s eyes.