hanging out to dry

lately i say in my head, i say
don’t come in, don’t touch me.

it’s being alone that heals what you took from me. 

all i have left now is time to heal, time to sit naked in bed and let the summer breeze confirm my beliefs that this waiting will soon be over and i’ll stop thinking of you as a nightmare and wake up.  someday i’ll be able to look at your picture and not feel a mixture of pity and longing, and i’ll stop wishing for your body in the night. 

it was the suddenness that ripped me to shreds.  it was knowing that what you’re doing is completely justified in your mind.  it was the way you let me cry, way past the appropriate moment, against you.  it was the way you said "i’m so, so sorry.  i never meant for it to end this way."  it was your phone calls last night that i didn’t answer, and the messages i listened to in the morning.  it was everything and now i just want to enjoy silence and simplicity and heat.  i want the weather to devour me, evaporate my tears and my washed up spirit.  i want to hang out to dry and read books about dharma bums, meditate, eat dark chocolate and enjoy french films with terrible endings. 

i want to spend my time the way i want to and forget the way i sat, waiting by the phone, ready at any moment to drive, to pick you up, to follow your orders (some nights thats how it felt) or do you a favor or figure out how to bring up a tough subject without flipping the switch within you that made you sullen and unpleasant.  those are the things i won’t miss and the things i try to list mentally as i wonder what you’re doing and wish you were with me, laughing, telling stories and kissing the evening away.  i can’t help but wonder how long you knew this was going to happen and how long you figured it would last after you broke the news. 

but i can’t wallow there, suspicious and bitter.  i can’t find refuge in questions with unknowable answers.  i want to preserve the memory of our last beautiful weeks together and not taint it with doubt.  maybe it’s impossible, but i have to try.