doors opening

when do we stop learning that peole go in and out of our lives?  there is no such thing as a closed door.  it’s always left open, just a crack.  and if the person on the other side decides it’s time to push, to peek inside, who am i stop them?  who am i use the deadbolt?

willie, seeing you today… you  have such a unique place in my memory.  i really loved you.  you’re that person for me that i will allways look back and KNOW that i really meant every "i love you" and WHY i meant each one.  of course, i still remember vividly why i couldn’t stay with you.  we are people who want such differnt things from the world.  and yet, we feed of the wisdom and knowledge of the other.  i remember the night, years ago now, that you told me that i was first your best friend and secondly your girlfriend. it’s instant, the way we connect.  oldest souls, always connected by a shared first love-making.  i wonder if this is how people look at their ex-spouses, with fondness and admiration and longing and knowledge of their most intimate selves.  but my memory didn’t archive the truest green of your eyes.

but i need to get this all out of my system before tomorrow night.  this new boy is the ultimate example of my open-door theory.  he is a direct character from my deepest past, my youngest days.  i knew you in infancy, luis, and here we are, attempting a transnational connection.  i am hoping you are the fusion of everything good from my last two relationships.  the intelligence of the first blended with the passion of the second;  the comraderie of the former and the hunger of the latter.  i see you stretching far and away into my future… and tomorrow is the first day of it.  i can only hope that these two weeks will bring enough clarity to last the next six months before i see him again….