do you know what i mean?

i should drive in silence more often.  it brings on thoughts, and i let them flow.  it’s useless to try to block them or shut them away somewhere, like i used to.  i guess Freud called that "suppression".

again, i thought about who i’ve loved and who i’m drawn to.  i thought about A, the clingy inexperienced boy who i couldn’t stand after the first week.  putting things together, i thought, "his inexperience threw me off because i need someone who has suffered in love.  i need someone wise."

but not all who have suffered are wise (though maybe all who are wise have suffered?).  i think wisdom grows out of pain and what you learn from it.  i also think that wise people learn from the lives of others.  every mistake is a mistake worthy of analysis, even if its not yours. 

so of course this leads me to the questions about L, about the "you" who has appeared recently, emerging from the past gradually and enveloping the present.  i ask, has he suffered?  i know he did as a child, from the actions of his parents (especially his mother).  and i don’t know much about who he has loved, or if he has been in love before.  did she hurt him?  did he learn?  will i tire of him quickly, like i did with A, who i also had so much in common with, who would have seemed the perfect match on paper?  will we learn from each other and through each other?  will our mistakes be the beautiful kind that aren’t worth regretting? 

"and you really got me this time
and the hardest part is knowing i’ll survive
i’ve come to listen for the sound
of the trucks as they roll down
out on highway 95
and pretend that it’s the ocean
coming down to wash me clean,
to wash me clean,
baby do you know what i mean?"
                ~emmylou harris