Need to get it out before I explode…

Hi, I’m new here. Giving this website a try, mainly because there isn’t much else for me to turn to. I’ve been married to my husband for 15 years next month. We have been together for 18 next month. High school sweethearts. The problem is in the years we have been married he has had 2 affairs. He is military and one was while he was over seas. The other was with a family member, whom of which I was extremely close to. This family member is immediate family I might add. Sibling…My Brother… Why I stayed you ask? I have 3 beautiful children and recently had 2 angel babies. I chose to forgive because I honestly don’t know who I am without him.  I haven’t worked since I got pregnant with my 14 years old. I have a chronic illness that makes it hard. I chose to forgive him and not my family member, but that was for the simple reason they feel they did nothing wrong and are in love with my husband.  I feel stupid for forgiving him. I feel angry. I don’t feel connect to him anymore in that way. I do love him. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to hurt my kids. I have a very limited support group and I know he loves me. He has changed since the last affair. Part of me wants to stay and part wants to go. I guess I’m comfortable. I am happy with staying at home with my babies. I’m just very lonely and sad. I know my kids see it. I don’t want them to end up in relationships like mine but this world is hard and I feel stuck. Some many scenarios, so many things run through my head. I use to worry about getting into another relationship and now I don’t even want that. I just want to wake up with a smile on my face and a burden lifted a little. I want to go to counseling but I know my story will be hard to tell and embarrassing. I don’t want to be judged but at the same time I’m bursting because I need someone to talk too. I can go further into details, if you have questions.