well, yes

Good lord.

So he called me this morning. I told him that I wasn’t interested in fucking up his life. And wanted nothing to do with ruining his relationship. And it’s just that I miss him and since he had asked me to see him last week I had expected him to follow through and then felt pretty sad and disappointed when he pretty much stood me up and he explained a lot of things. The fiance is very jealous. I guess she feels particularly threatened by me, but it’s been like this with every girl Greg’s introduced her to/interacted with in any capacity since they started dating. And he finds it frustrating because it seems to imply a great lack of trust in his integrity (I agree with this). And he is going to marry her. On the summer solstice. Who knows where I will be on the summer solstice.

I told him I broke up with Ted because I was starting to feel trapped. And he said he kind of feels like that sometimes. But that that is how one feels sometimes in relationships. And I said that I didn’t agree. I think relationships should make you feel more free to be who you are and to display your best self to the world. He said maybe trapped isn’t the right word.

Timing is a bitch. Two men who I’ve known for less than two weeks each have both dismissed me with “timing is everything” and both of these men are men who I’ve envisioned grand futures with.

Yesterday, while talking to Greg’s best friend, he told me that Greg was obsessed with the book Black Sun by Edward Abbey for a long time after I left and told him I couldn’t talk to him anymore because I’d started dating Robin. And I told him that’s one of the few Edward Abbey books I haven’t yet read.

Today while I was talking to Greg on the phone I was sitting next to my friend’s bookshelf and there it was.

So I read it today. A mistake. It echoes our relationship so precisely that it is eerie. In both details and the bigger picture. And the melancholy that drags down every word is palpable.

It is the heaviest 160 page book I have ever read.