the puppies

Strangest dream. Went grocery shopping and felt compelled to buy a sack of puppies. The plan was to bite the heads off of them. This was a normal thing to do. Expected. But I’d never done it. Felt like it was time.

Brought them home, eight of them. Alive, but wrapped in plastic, with their heads sticking out. Immediately felt guilty and put them in the pantry to deal with later. The next day, grabbed one in order to try. Couldn’t do it. Fell in love with it. Kept him. Gave the others away.

Yesterday, I had the most incredible bike ride of my life. I was alone. I biked from Murayama to Yamagata, which is usually a very flat 30 kilometer ride, but I took a 20 k detour up into the mountains about halfway through. It was so incredibly beautiful. I went through this tiny village, where some of the roofs were still made of grass and entire families were working in their gardens, wearing skirts and bonnets and clothes from another lifetime. Two men taking a tea break jerked their heads up in open-mouthed surprise to see me slowly pedaling up the hill past their homes. I finally reached the mountain I was going to ride over and the sign before it said 14% grade. 14%! I am pretty sure that’s the steepest hill I’ve ever gone up. I was listening to Kishi Bashi, and it was the perfect music. As I biked up, a valley filled with lush green trees, pink and purple flowers, a crashing stream and copious amounts of sunlight distracted me from the agony in my legs. And then I saw two butterflies dancing ahead, right in the road, right in my path. I caught up to them and they flew with me for ten seconds, spinning in the air around each other just above my left wrist. And I kept climbing, and climbing, and sweating, and stopping for water, and climbing, and when I finally crested the top I burst into tears. Joyous, beautiful, laughing, sobbing tears. It was so raw, so enchanted, so intimate, climbing that mountain, me on my bike, violins swelling in my ears, and, oh, yeah, I’m leaving this place in August. This place where I’ve learned how to bike up huge mountains and converse with the villagers I find there, should I choose to. This place where I’ve met the first love of my life who has felt like the perfect companion. This place of hidden valleys and extreme beauty. This place that’s trapped in it’s own superiority/inferiority complex, it’s taught me so much about my own complexes. But I also felt swelling hope and excitement about The Next Step. The adventure that lies ahead. Being close enough to friends and family to be able to pick up the phone and call them without worrying about the time difference. There was so much more. There was so much clarity as I careened down the mountain, sobbing, laughing, tears tears caught by the wind and falling far behind me.

I’m really, really happy right now.

Clea