slump

I’m kind of on the verge of tears. I’ve tried calling every one of my friends in the states to talk to but no one’s around. It’s a Saturday night there so it’s to be expected.

I don’t really feel like writing that badly.

I did a japanese speech contest yesterday. I worked really hard on it. I wrote my speech in English, Alex helped me translate it. It was fairly intellectual but also ooey-gooey at the same time, about the similarities between Alaska native and Japanese culture. I worked really hard on the Japanese because the language level was pretty over my head – had to work really hard to pronounce some of the grammar patterns that I’ve never used and a lot of new vocabulary correctly. Read it all in Japanese writing – a mix of kanji and katakana.

It was a small speech contest. Five contestants. I didn’t expect, even for a second that I would win. (Two of the contestants have been living here for 8 and 12 years, respectively… so, yeah. Hard to compete with their language level.)

My friend, who’s been here since August, did the contest too. She wrote hers in English, our Japanese teacher translated it for her into romaji (normal English alphabet spelling out the Japanese words) and she read it off the page, not understanding anything she was saying. Her speech was about faking Japanese. She placed. I didn’t.

It feels really low, looking at her and thinking, “You don’t deserve that.” She’s my friend, and I hate feeling jealous or competitive but it didn’t even enter my mind that she was competition. She doesn’t/didn’t pronounce anything correctly, but it was apparently fine, because she was talking about how she can’t speak Japanese.

It’s so stupid, but I just feel so shitty. I worked really hard… wrote a speech that meant something to me… and completely failed.

I’ve studied Japanese pretty hard since I got here, and I’m finally pretty conversational. Riding in a car with a Japanese person is no longer awkward, because my phrases aren’t limited to about five minutes of “Wow, it’s cold!” chit-chat. And it just feels like the more I learn and the harder I try, the less people recognize my ability. I STILL get complimented for “how very WELL!” I can say, “Good morning!” but come the fuck on people! It’s so patronizing, when I just had a conversation with someone, then say, “Alright, sorry I’m leaving work before you,” and they’re like, “Wow! I hadn’t realized how good your Japanese was til you said that!”

Alex says I’m at a phase when I’m well beyond a beginner so people expect me to be perfect. Like there’s no middle ground.

I’m just so frustrated! And after leaving here in August, I’m never going to use Japanese again! Why all the effort, then? What’s the fucking point, if the better I get, the worse people seem to think I am?

That, and I just fucking hate losing.