not just a mere tidying up

I have never before felt so overwhelmed at the prospect of “picking up the pieces” of my life. a lot of things have shattered for me in the past few months and i am just now trying really hard to actively sort through the mess, throw out the bits that are mangled beyond recognition or only sure to cause more pain, and dust off and set forth the few bits that are intact. i am so disgusted with myself, so horrified at what i have wrought in these past few months. that now i am moving forward, alone, with myself, and trying to make an honest assessment and an honest life out of just ME. Not out of me and he, me and my best friend, me and my job that defines me, me and my school, me and and and.

Just me.

I am moving to Olympia, WA, or thereabouts, hopefully, within the next two months. I have no car, and most of the jobs that I am looking at require me to have “Reliable transportation” and many require personal insurance. I am looking at working with at-risk youth still, but in such a fashion that I can go home at the end of the day instead of spending 24/7, two weeks at a time embroiled in their shit.

I want to move to Olympia for no other reason than that it is beautiful. I love Washington, I want to spend as much time there as possible and possibly settle down there for good (after a lot more… not settling, of course) but I am considering this a prequel to something more. I am so excited to be near the Puget Sound, close to the island where my grandparents built their home, so that I can spend as much time as possible outside, OUTSIDE, on the Olympic Peninsula! Or in Mount Rainier National Park! Or just in the park in Olympia itself, or in amongst the green, green, mossy, fern-filled tree-laden forests.

I am so excited to move to a community where no one knows me. I am excited to chisel away at myself until my true identity is shining through and I can stop relying on others to help make that identity up for me. I am so excited to run in the woods. I am so excited to shyly attend community-ish gatherings and painfully talk to people until someday it feels less shy and painful.

I am also incredibly scared, because I am feeling so depressed and full of self-loathing right now. I am scared that I will not be good enough for any job. I am scared that my lack of a car will be an insurmountable problem. I am scared that I will get stuck either living with roommates that I can’t stand, paying way too much to live by myself, or just being trapped in some sort of awful living situation.

This is the first blank slate I have really ever approached in my life. Everything up until now has been a part of the plan. High school to college, college to SUWS, SUWS to New Zealand, New Zealand to more traveling, and now…

SLAM

I am in the real world, the slate is empty, and I have to fill it.

Wish me luck. If you know anyone wonderful in Olympia who needs a roommate, let me know.

May my fears and self-sabotaging impulses not get the best of me.

Clea