leaving

saying goodbye to texas today. i was supposed to fly out of austin yesterday morning but i missed the flight because i was wasted and decided to take a chance on catching a later flight which was, apparently, impossible despite the fact that i’d been told by three seperate delta representatives that OH SURE that would be fine.

airports/airlines/the travel industry… they see my name and look for ways to fuck me over.

but all in all, despite the fact that i had to spend an extra $238, it might have been worth it just to get to wander around downtown Austin yesterday in a hungover daze.

there’s a lot to think about now that i’m leaving texas. I’ve been here for three weeks and i met jesse and went all stupid about him and now i’m leaving and what i really, really need to get better at is living a life of impermanence. i’m going to be traveling for an entire year and i’d better get used to knowing i won’t ever see someone again, even if it’s someone who i feel a certain sort of connection with.

he hasn’t responded to that email. i’m regretting sending it now… i know better than that shit. involved! pregnant! STEP AWAY!

sometimes i suck. but i guess i don’t mind sucking too much. austin was realy fun… we danced pretty much all night at this reggae/ska show. incidentally, reggae and ska are by far my favorite kind of music to dance to. and there were boys and there was kissing and then there was the, “why don’t you live here!?” conversation and the, “bye! i’ll never see you again!” ending to it.

so a few days ago i called mike, who i’m going to visit in san diego next month. he’s seeing someone.

figures.

my timing is impeccably bad.

maybe, just maybe someday i’ll find someone who knocks my socks off, is not 7 – 11 years older than i am, and isn’t somehow involved/unavailable due to constant traveling/work/etc. but until then i guess i’ll just pine. i’m a piner. a pining fool. pinnnnnnne. that word gets pretty weird if you think about it for long enough.

i never feel ready to go back to work. i wonder if it’ll be girl’s group. i can only hope… i know claire really likes me and i wonder if she has much say in what instructors work for her group? if so i think i’d maybe get to fulfill my dream of working only girls group, at least for awhile. my job is so fucking amazing. i’m about to go live outside with nothing but a tarp and p-cord and sticks and beautiful souls for two weeks, and try to be a mirror so that those beautiful souls can see themselves as what they truly are.

i bought some buddhism books to read to them in the field. i think i might be a non-deity-believing-in-buddhist.

here are a very select few pictures from austin. we went into this hat store and met two young habberdashers (people who wear/work with/sell hats?) and they were quite sweet and we hung out with them for the rest of the night.

i’m just copy pasting these cause i’m lazy.