home is where my feet rest?

i´m flying home tomorrow from cancun. in playa del carmen right now, i had a really nice day reading on the beach and even swam a little bit which i generally don´t tend to do in the ocean by myself but there were enough other people about that i was able to convince my completely irrational mind that the sharks would head for them instead of me. i really hate how much sharks scare me. it has sucked being down here in the caribbean and feeling like i want to jump in and play in the waves but knowing that unless someone is with me panic will surge through my body, i won´t be able to breathe and will end up running on shore with images of teeth chasing me out of the water.

it´s really frustrating. i went on this lonnnng bike ride the other day on the beach road and was able to play a little in the waves but never where i like to go most when other people are around, deep in the clear blue where the waves are crashing beyond me, on shore and i can just bob happily along. and even staying in this “safe zone” i am constantly looking around me, the fear barely held in check. it´s really frustrating and stupid and i´m pretty fucking ready to be over it all ready. all in all this whole trip i´ve gotten a lot more comfortable with the ocean and am going to miss it immensely, but that goddamn fear, i´m pretty sure it will haunt me forever. damn!

wow, really wasn´t planning on going on about that.

all in all i´m pretty confused about life. what´s my role? how am i helping the world? how am i setting myself up to succeed in life? what am i learning? where has my hope and faith in the world gone? what am i supposed to do with this horribly restless need to FIX this awful world when i have not the tiniest idea of where the hell to even start? do i really need money to live, like everyone says? how can i keep on getting by without paying rent? will i ever settle down? will i ever stop feeling lost? why do we, as a civilization, value corporations more than individuals? where can i live where this isn´t true? how can i help it become less true? why are just a few people destroying the world for the rest of us? (in that sentence, i first typed “destorying” the world, which is actually true, too. they are destorying the world and populating it with their own lies to keep us in the dark)

jesus i feel like i am perched on the edge of an existential crisis and i just don´t know which way to go. should i just ignore all of these questions and keep plodding along, work with the beautifully fucked up kids in the desert again, make enough money to travel for another winter, and continue living a life that is unconventional but still overall oblivious to the plight of the earth and most of it´s inhabitants?

should i live in a tent, eschew personal belongings and income, and become a hermit?

should i go to nepal and help women who have been rescued from prostitution? what would that look like? what kind of power do i actually have?

meanwhile i am just mostly very sad.

clea