11/20/08
Holy hell. Maybe I’m not pretty enough. Maybe dying my hair pink, purple, and orange was a bad idea. Maybe I don’t smile enough. Maybe I send out vibes of “Don’t see me, don’t see me.” Whatever it is, it seems pretty potent.
I’ve just got to say, thank god for bartenders and crazy people. Without them, I’m not sure I’d be able to say for sure that I exist, right now, for the amount I’m noticed by people.
I feel as if No One Knows what’s happened to me, and worse, that no one cares.
I just want people to look at me and think to themselves, “Well, shit! There’s a girl that I’ve absolutely got to talk to.”
All this being said, I miss Robin. Because he saw me straight, he knew who I was, and on top of all of that he understood me. I think that “being understood,” is just about as polar opposite from “being lonely” as a person can possibly get. I’m un-understood (even by myself! what the hell am i doing here?!) and therefore ridiculously, incredibly, completely sad and lonely.
Drunk doesn’t help. It doesn’t make me want to approach people who are already enmeshed in conversation. I’m fucking shy, dammit, and no one from home seems to recognize/empathize with that. No one understands. Well, I already said that, and blamed it as the root of my loneliness.
Fucking stupid-ass whim to go to New Zealand. If not for this, I’d be… there’s the problem. I don’t know where I’d be. There’s this piece of me that knows it’s lost, and feels safer being lost in a different country than it would in America.
So I guess there’s that.
<3clea
The last line makes me think of the movie Garden State. Before going abroad last year they told us about this cycle that happens when people are in a different country. First they’re excited by everything that’s new (a honeymoon phase), then they panic that everything’s different (which sounds like where you are), but eventually everything settles down and they never want to leave. Love always,
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It always takes time to adjust to a new place. I know I forget that a lot because I always get so super excited to be going somewhere, I forget that things are going to change. It’s further difficult because I usually feel comfortable wherever I am, just lonely and unsure how to build a life. The adjustment period in Boston for me was a hell of a lot longer than I thought it would be. I thought I would get here and automatically start having adventures and meeting people, because that’s what happens in cities, you know? False. It took me forever to settle in. It did eventually happen and I have everything I could ask for and more here, but it didn’t happen as soon as I thought it would. I don’t think going to New Zealand was a mistake at all. I think you will get everything you want and need out of it, everything. It will just take time, and this is the hard part. Love you. Hang in there. And email me if you ever want to talk, okay? Seriously.
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i think that you’ll find yourself soon, really i do. you were meant to go for a reason–you know? it’s all that everything happens for a reason shit, i mean it might not make sense now and it might be sucking now but think about it–months from now or when you get home or a year after that something phenomenal may happen and it NEVER would have happened that way if you didn’t go to new zealand.
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right!? i’ll come join you there. i’ll bring us some tea and we can climb ropes and stuff. <3<3
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