10/29/2012

I used to open up Wordpad, turn the font size up to about 150 so I could only see one or two words at a time on the screen, and then type until there was no more thought directing my fingers.

My life isn’t feeling very peachy here most of the time. There have been these moments in my life, that have all felt very profound and involved stretching and being in a relationship and needing to separate myself from the entity of our duality and go running in that red dusty canyon outside of Zion. I ran, but not for very long, because I saw the sand stretching out before me, inviting, warmed by the fierceness of the now setting sun, and there I sat and spread-eagled, stretching my hands toward my left toe and sinking into a place where the only thing that mattered was that this was my body, and that was always such a relief. Because it’s important to remember that you can love someone but also see yourself as a separate entity from them. Living with Alex is a challenge at times, but it feels like the kind of challenge that makes me understand more about myself and the world. It’s still a positive challenge. I need to call my brain back sometimes from dissecting him, and instead let us both live and inspire and love and delight each other. When I’m stoned, I always feel like I am thinking things that need to be written down immediately for posterity, but when I set to writing them they get stuck in limbo somewhere between an imagined revelation and a stumbling, bumbling, grammatically incorrect stoner sentence.

It’s raining again. There was an eighteen hour hiatus, and now it’s back. I opened the store this morning for the first time and whenever I have to get up early to do something for the first or second time I have a really hard time sleeping, convinced I’m going to miss my alarm and fuck the whole thing up. So last night I kept waking up and listening and guessing from the downpour that I was going to have to leave early and change into dry clothes when I got to work, but when I finally got up all the raining sounds had ceased. It’s been warm and humid today, in the 60s, and I was a sweaty mess when I got to work. But my day was really pleasant. I was working the shop by myself for most of the morning, and I really enjoyed the mix of solitary tasks to do while the place was empty and helping people out when they came in. And then when I biked home the sun was lighting up the fall colors as the leaves shimmered in the strangely warm breeze. The maple trees around here are ridiculous, some of them displaying red, orange, yellow, purple, and green all in one set of leaves, really hamming it up for the fall photo shoots. I ate a piece of smoked chicken and a big salad of baby greens and dill weed in the park and admired the trees during my lunch break.

edit: Goodness, up there in the beginning I profess that life isn’t peachy and then I write all of this drivel about fucking pretty lit up trees and pleasant customers and it all looks good on paper but the thing is, I’m trying to get at my feelings here so I can understand them but another part of me’s guarding that information from my conscious self. I’ll keep working on it. Turning up the font big enough to forget that I’m making sentences and actually spell out the hard parts of being me right now.