Taco Meat

I may have mentioned that my mother was single when she had me, and still when she had my brother.  I was three and a half when he was born, and went from being the center of my mother’s world to being pushed aside because a new baby demanded all the energy a clinically depressed woman can muster.

It took me a long time to figure out why I have always expected to be rejected.  It actually took years of reflection, counseling, and sifting through the detritus of my first two and a half decades to excavate the origins of my demons.

My mother has told me the story, a couple of times, of me coming to her after Ed was born and asking her why she didn’t love me, anymore.  She explained to me that Ed was helpless, and that we had to take care of him, because if we didn’t, he would die.  That moment clicked immediately.  While I don’t remember that, I do remember my mother raving about the tasks she would give me to do.  She’d send me to get her a wash cloth.  When I brought it to her, she’d tell me that it was the perfect temperature.  She’d tell me she was so proud of me.  “Oh, Jenna.  You’re Mama’s big helper!”

The reason this entry is called taco meat is because it was taco meat that I was cooking when standing on a chair in the kitchen when I was about eight years old.  I was chopping the meat in the pan while my mom prepared the other ingredients for tacos.  I got to a point where I asked her how it looked.  She said, “Oh, Jenna!  That’s the best meat, I’ve ever seen!” She called my stepfather in, “Daddy, come look.  Isn’t this the best taco meat ever?”  Daddy raved about it, as well, and I believed I had a special knack for making taco meat.

Then another time I cooked the taco meat, I got no praise for it.  She said, “it looks good,” and that was the end of it.  For years, every time I cooked taco meat, I made mental notes of what worked best and what didn’t.  It has to be thawed before you begin (my mom taught me a method of steaming frozen hamburger in case you forget to thaw it in time for dinner).  It’s best cooked on medium high, in a non-stick pan, and chopped with a wooden spatula.  I was probably in my thirties before I put it together that the first time I made taco meat, it wasn’t extraordinary.  It was my mom’s way of telling me she loved me, but even now that I’m almost 50, I still make an effort to recreate that first creation.