I Think I’ve Found My Patronus

I’m pretty sure my last entry was about my Dementors: the panic attacks I’ve had since I can remember.  I appreciate those of you who commented.  It’s good to be understood.

Later that evening, I took Opie for his last walk of the evening.  It was then that realized that I was struggling to breathe. 

What I may not have mentioned before is that I wear oxygen any time I leave the house or exert myself in any way.  I also have oxygen running to my CPAP at night.  I’ve only been using the CPAP for a couple of months, and I still haven’t found the right mask for us.  I say us, because some nights it wakes Drew and others me.  Either way, I’m not getting enough sleep.

A lot of nights, I will lay awake for a while before I go to sleep.  On those nights, I just have a canula, because the mask is too cumbersome.  The intent is always to put the mask on before I actually sleep, but that doesn’t always happen.

I’m beginning to realize that on the nights that I don’t use the CPAP, I have a harder time managing my oxygen for the day.  That’s what happened the night I wrote that entry.  I think that my body and mind are thinking I’m suffocating, and sending me the “do something about it” signal, but I’m used to struggling, so I didn’t know what was causing those feelings.

I’m trying to be more mindful of my oxygen.  I’m staying on schedule with my pile of inhalers and meds.

I’m too young to be this old.