Haunted
The 19th of this month was the 24th anniversary of Dave’s suicide. He was haunting my dreams this past week. I thought it was because the anniversary was on the horizon, but I’m starting to think that I am having cold feet about marrying Drew.
There is no doubt in my mind that he is the man I want to spend my life with. But even after 25 years since my first marriage ended, I still think about how stuck I was in that relationship.
It’s really hard to reconcile the jovial guy that everyone knew with the anxiety-ridden control freak with who I lived. I felt like a prisoner. I had to ask permission to go do anything. I was reading a book on the sofa while he watched TV, and he whined that I was “Taking time away from us.”
Now, mind you, Dave was a musician. He was kind of a rock star around our little town. I, on the other hand, was working full time and going to school full time. As I was nearing graduation, I was either at work or at school, every day of the week. That Easter Sunday was my one day off. We went visiting family and friends, and then one of his friends wanted to jam. My one day off, and he wanted to spend it jamming with his friend, but me reading a book is “taking time from us.”
I feel like I’ve done a ton of work since Dave’s death. I don’t blame myself for it, anymore. I will forever be ashamed that I cheated on him, but I was young, and trapped, and somehow I felt like that would give me the strength to leave.
Now, I’m having these dreams that we are getting close to the wedding, and we’re making all the preparations. In my dream, my fiancé fades between Drew and Dave. In the dream, I clearly recognize the difference. I know Dave is dead, and I know that Drew is the one I want to marry. But it is so hard to distinguish between the two.
As I said, I have no doubt that I want to marry Drew, but I’m afraid of being trapped again. I’ve had nightmares for years, that Dave and I were back together, and I couldn’t figure out how I’d gotten back into this situation.
When we divorced, I didn’t even know what kinds of music or movies I liked. Everything centered around him.
Drew treats me like a goddess. And his kids love me. And there’s a new grandson on the way!
Im so looking forward to next weekend. I’m going to Oakland to spend Halloween with Laura (my spirit daughter) and her fiancé.
My brain is messed up. I kept getting Dave and Drew confused. I thought you were saying Drew was a musician.
Maybe it’s because I know you and the type of person you are. There is no part of me that would ever judge you or think bad of you for cheating on Dave. Obviously, I wasn’t involved in the relationship. To me, I see it as a classic call for help. I might even ponder if it was you trying to sabotage things because that might be the best way to get away from him.
As for Drew, I think what you are dealing with isn’t super shocking. I know that doesn’t really help. To me, I would say remind yourself of the ways in which Drew is different. I would also say remind yourself of the ways that you are different since you were married to Dave. You’re a different person. You’re stronger in ways and wiser in some ways.
And then lastly, I would say to remember that you have so many people who care about you and none of them are going to let you be stuck in a terrible situation. Including me! I’ve been to your mom’s house!
@heffay 💝💝💝. Love you, Cousin!
Warning Comment
I would say this is (normal) anxiety about making the same mistake with a different person. But that logic is flawed. Drew is a DIFFERENT person and any situation you two create together, will be different from how it was with Dave.
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