Fat and Happy 😃

This was a response to a comment on Facebook.  I liked what it turned into, so I decided to share it here:

I have always had body issues, for reasons too many to list.  A few things have cured me of that (mostly):

1)  After I realized that I deserved to be happy, I divorced my husband of 8 years, and went on a journey of self exploration (minds out of the gutter). I realized that there was once a time when curvy women were the gold standard.  I felt like my body was similar to Venus’ in Botticelli’s The Birth of Venus.

Ultimately, a female friend and I got together and took pictures of each other, tastefully done.  It gave me an opportunity to really study my curves and folds and bulges, and find beauty in them. (This was 20+ years ago, so I have no idea where they are).

2)  part of my self-discovery was learning that I liked having an audience to entertain.  I became a member and eventually a leader of a guild in the Renaissance Faire circuit in California.

We provided weary parents with a place to sit and rest and sip some water, while we entertained their children with games, songs, puppet shows, and crafts, among other frivolity.

One of the events that we were asked to attend was on the grounds of a nudist resort in Northern California.  It was an event for the members of the resort, and though we were required to remain in garb, the Patrons participated in all degrees of dress or undress.

It was a fun event, but it also gave me the opportunity to observe women with bodies I would have coveted.  EVERYONE HAS ISSUES.  Everyone had parts they were self conscious about.

3) The third and greatest event is a combination of events.  It mostly revolves around my many health issues.

In 2012, I had been let go from my teaching position at a private school due to too many absences, and other bullshit excuses the could support by rallying students who felt I picked on them. 

In 2014, I had just ended a 3 year relationship with an abusive narcissist, and was struggling to keep my house, my car, my animals fed, etc.

I had had just been wrongly diagnosed with metastatic ovarian cancer, which, they told me, had already spread to my lungs and liver.

I was sick, broke, and desperate.  In my desperation, I put it all out there.  I emailed anyone and everyone I thought could help me and not make me feel like a parasite.  I also started a blog where I could keep friends and family abreast of the situation.  It’s at http://www.elephantinthewomb.net if you’re curious.

The outpouring of love and support that poured forth, can only be described as a tsunami.  People came over to play with my dogs, give them baths, and make sure they were ok.  Checks and gift cards arrived in the mail with regrets that they could not do more.  A friend that I haven’t seen since high school, ordered two 48-lb bags of dog food to be delivered to my house.  People offered rides, meals, encouragement.  

By the time it was determined that it was not cancer, I was on an upswing.  I’d gotten a new job that I liked (for a while) and I realized that I had access to funds from my teacher retirement account, so I was able to save my house, pay off my (used) car.  And not be a total parasite when spending time with this amazing man I’d met, who actually prefers bigger girls.

In summary, I realized how very many amazing people are in my life.  Then I realized how much they love me.  They’re smart and creative and wonderful, and they love me, so I must be okay, regardless of the body in which I reside.

I’d still like to be healthier.  I want to travel the world and not in a mobility scooter.  But instead of hating my body as I once did, I am grateful that it has fought to keep me alive through an immunodeficiency disorder (CVID), an ovarian abscess, dozens of cases of pneumonia, six weeks of triple digit fevers while my doctor’s tried to figure out what to do about the cancer I didn’t have, encephalitis, strokes, and now epilepsy, just like you fine people.

If amazing people love you, you can’t be all that bad.💝