Dear Lunch Buddy is Born

I hadn’t realized it until I was re-reading my last few entries, but I’m not painting an accurate picture of my relationship with Rick.  I think it’s because it’s one of those that will always hurt a little to think about it all.

I was madly, head-over-heels in love with that man.  I’d never had a partner that I could have conversations with and they’d be rational, listen, and try to meet my needs.  Our physical relationship was the stuff of legends.  The only disappointment I ever felt was that he always had to leave.

The hardest part was that I believe he loved me, too.  To be honest, I think he still does.

He’d often tell me how unhappy he was in his situation.  There was nothing sacred in their relationship anymore.  She had high demands but made few concessions.  He stayed for the children, who were both in high school and were not biologically his.

I respected the fact that he loved his stepchildren and didn’t want to lose them to a bad breakup.  But I felt that staying in a broken relationship was not teaching them anything healthy.

I never asked him to leave her for me.  I just wanted to know for certain that he’d never leave me.

After a few months in the new apartment, my worst fear came true.   I was logged in to Everquest II in the morning, leveling my character.  Rick logged in on his.  He said, “Hi.”

I said, “Hi! =)”

He said, “I stopped by your apartment last night, but you were out.”

“Yeah, I was at my sister’s for the day.” I had a sick feeling.  He never dropped by on the weekends.  I had the feeling I was drowning.  “I’m sorry I missed you.  What’s up?”

“Bad news,” he said as if an event we’d planned to attend had been canceled.  I don’t know how I knew what was coming, but I knew what was coming.  “Michelle doesn’t want me to see you anymore.  I’m sorry.”

“Are you seriously doing this in game-chat?” I typed.  I was sinking into a full-on panic attack complete with trembling and hyperventilation.

“I tried to tell you last night when I came by,” he began.

I said, “If you have any respect for me, please be man enough to do this face to face.”

Rick agreed.  He told me he’d be over in the morning.  I closed the game and ran into Jessica’s room.  I climbed into bed with her and wept.

It was a horrible day.  I called my mom and told her that my boyfriend had broken up with me.  She didn’t know about him, so now I had to tell her all of it.  I decided to go to her house and when I got there, I lay in her lap and cried.

That night, I barely slept.  I woke up early and took a shower.  I waited in bed for Rick.  He had a key.  He came into my room and I began to sob.  He climbed into bed and held me, kissing my head and stroking my hair.

The rest of the day with him is kind of a blur.  There was a lot of love-making and crying.  And there was his declaration that this probably isn’t permanent.

“I can’t leave my wife for you,” he said.  “But I’ve been unhappy for a long time.  I need some time and some space to be sure that if I end this marriage, it’s for the right reasons.”  He had tears in his eyes.  The lips I’d kissed so many times were trembling.  We spent the whole day holding each other and loving each other.  Then it was time for him to leave me.

I spent the next few months in constant grief.  I can’t write about it anymore, but that is actually what led me to create my diary here twelve years ago.  The first several dozen entries were letters to him, which you can find here.  It’s hard for me to read those old entries.  There’s a lot of whining and begging.

I eventually came to realize that he was not going to try to leave her, and he was never going to let me off the hook.

But it gets better.  Much much better.