Day Twenty-Six — Withering
April 29, 2006,
Dear Lunch Buddy,
I love you. I miss you. I long for you so much it consumes me.
Today I went to Woodland Scottish Games. Tiberius and I were the only people there to set up. Dunn and Zander came later. I worried all day that I would see you there with her. I worry that I will see you there tomorrow, as well, though not as much.
Otherwise, it was a good day. I talked to Tiberius about you. I explained everything. He was very understanding. He started to give me the "other fish in the sea" speech, but he could tell I wasn’t in the mood, so he stopped. He did tell me that he truly believes in true love, and that he thinks I am much too nice of a person to go my whole life without it. For that reason, he said he believed that there was someone out there for me.
I told him that I never believed in true love. I always thought it was just initial chemistry, and then the relationships that stay together stay so because of cooperation and mutual effort. Or in some cases, an arcane sense of duty. In either case, I told him that you had changed my mind. You are my true love. You are my soul mate. My spirit is incomplete without yours and I feel like there is no longer a reason to work, or eat, or breathe. I have to force myself to do all of these.
I haven’t heard from you since Monday. Nothing at all. No e-mail. No EQ chat. Nothing. I wonder if you are doing it on purpose, or if it is just circumstantial. I suppose neither really matters. I just wanted to believe that you couldn’t walk away from me. But if you can cut off all communication with me, I guess you can.
Did you ever love me or was I just a fantasy for you? I keep telling myself that you did/do, but with each passing day it gets harder and harder to believe. You’d think that with that would come the peace that would make things easier to deal with, but it doesn’t. I cry for you every single day. I weep for you. My heart aches and my arms ache to hold you. My lips crave your smooth forehead for kissing. My fingers want to stroke your furry chest. I just want to lay my head on your chest and weep until all this poison is out of me and then we can live happily ever after.
I keep having melt downs. On Monday, I went to my Mom’s house and cried in her lap for a while before D’s mom showed up with her new whatever and he and my mom had psychic ghost orb discussions for hours on end. I tried to leave but she held my hand, and when D’s mom and Psychic Ghost Orb Boy left, we talked for a while. She told me that I’m too beautiful of a woman to waste my time on you. It made me ache to hear her say such a thing. What we have is epic. People could learn from us. I felt like she was a burger flipper telling a gourmet chef how to cook fillet mignon. I told her that I understood why she felt the need to say those things but that I wouldn’t talk to her if she continued. So she just listened to me tell her all the reasons that I love you and know that I’ll never be able to replace you.
On Tuesday I went to Geometry Teacher’s house. She acted kind of pissy at first, but when I told her that I have a new cat and that you broke up with me, she softened right up and things are fine again. With her, anyway.
On Wednesday I went to my Sister’s house and visited with her and my step-sister for a while. I played with the babies, of course, and before Step-sister got there, Sister and I went to Wal-mart and Petsmart to buy supplies for the kitten. After I got back to Sac, I let the kitten out of the box and got my room set up for her. Then I locked myself in my room for the rest of the evening, and cried.
On Thursday Roommate and I got into a pretty big fight. She lied to me about having paid the bounced check off that she had written for our holding deposit. The manager called me at work to tell me that we needed to get it paid that day or she would start eviction proceedings. She had apparently put a 3 day notice on our door, but Roommate hid that from me. When I confronted her about it, she claimed she’d found the receipt that proved she paid it. I said, "great. Give it to me. I’m going to go get this taken care of right now." She make excuse after excuse as to why she couldn’t give it to me, so I told her that I thought she was lying to me. She got all pissy and I just left. I felt like I couldn’t live another moment with all the pain and hurt and anger. I called Olivia and asked her if I could come to her house and then I cried over there for a while. I couldn’t tell her what the real problem was. So I just told her that I feel out of control. She listened and it was good to have someone to talk to.
Roommate’s back together with Asshole, by the way. Which probably means that they all know that you’ve broken up with me. I really hate my life right now. I wish I didn’t live here. I wish I didn’t live with Roommate. I wish I could make my heart stop hurting so much that I can hardly function.
My best friend. My spirit. My lover. You have taken everything precious from me and left me with nothing but emptiness and anger. I just want to shake you and scream at you. How dare you love me so well and then throw me away! How dare you use me to figure out what is missing in your marriage so that you can try to squeeze it out of that turnip you married.
How can you claim to love me and then just abandon me? Why am not worth the effort? I just want someone to love me enough. I thought that was you. Now I don’t know what to think.
I fell asleep for a moment at Faire. I was hot and tired and laid down on some bales of hay. In my dozing, I dreamed that you came to me crying and laid your head against my chest and I was comforting you. Then I awoke and realized that I was dreaming. But afterward, I looked for you, hoping perhaps I had had a premonition and that you would be coming to me soon.
I’m still waiting for you to make the right decision. Be the man I’ve always believed you to be and do the RIGHT thing. Part of the universe is dying.
With what remains of my heart,
