Day Twenty-Seven — Peace (READ THIS ONE)

April 30, 2006

Dear Lunch Buddy,

I’ve told you before about those moments of clarity that come at strange times and in strange places. Today it came as I was walking to my car after finishing tear down at the Scottish Games. I was feeling blue about heading home to a dark and lonely bedroom and feeling sorry for myself because you’re not doing what I want you to do.

I was thinking about some of the things that I’ve been saying and feeling lately and I was ashamed. I have told you many times that you are not responsible for Her happiness. It is up to her to be happy, etc. etc. blah blah. Well, as I was walking to my car, I realized that I have been holding you responsible for my happiness. You have been trying to do that which you believe is the right thing (though I vehemently disagree with you) and I have been guilt-tripping you because of the pain it is causing me.

It isn’t fair that I have expected you to be stronger than I can be, getting angry with you for telling me you love me.  It isn’t fair that I would question your word when you have always been brutally honest.  You love me.  I cannot doubt that.

I apologize for these things. Of course, if you never read these letters, then this apology is pointless because you won’t know the unpleasant things that I’ve said. But in case you do, I want you to know that I mean it. I know you need to do what you believe is right. I know that even if you do decide to leave her and come to me, you would need to have gone through this time of trying before you could feel right about it.

Interestingly enough, this gave me a calm that I haven’t had since the morning I broke my fast. It made me realize that your distance and the lack of any contact over the past week were not about me. They were about you doing what you need to do. That does not mean that you love me any less than before.

I can’t claim to wish you happiness in your life if you ultimately choose Her. I am honest enough to admit that I selfishly want you to be miserable with her so that you come to your senses and come to me. But I do hope you find peace with what you need to do. True peace, and not the quiet that comes from closing yourself off to those things you choose not to face.

It’s funny, because after finding that calm, today, I came home and logged in to EQ, still hoping to find some indication that you still love me. I told myself that if I found nothing, I would not take it as rejection. But when I logged in, I had mail from you. Nothing more than =), but it made me happy. And when you logged in, you asked me how the Games were. So I know you thought about me this weekend. Perhaps you missed me when you were playing, earlier.

I will keep hoping and praying and writing and kissing Spidey on the head. I will keep looking out my window for you. I will keep your station up and your robe on my door. I will keep Ziggy charged. Because I choose to have faith that our love is too strong to die and that one day you will be laying next to me again.

Peacefully,