Day Twenty

April 23, 2006,

Dear Lunch Buddy,

(12:09 PM) I’m having a bit of a rough day. It’s nothing serious…. certainly not as bad as some I’ve had lately. I just woke up with a bit of anxiety and have been having trouble trying to find comfort. The questions that I have been blockading have broken through the barriers and are flooding into my mind. I hear them echoing, but I’m afraid to give them enough of my attention to actually take the shape of fears and worries again. In any case, I’m watching my Harry Potter Marathon and have been stuffing my face with bad things… I think my points for the day are blown already and it’s only lunch time.

I’ve actually been doing all right with that. If I can get myself back on track, this week, and can get motivated to get some exercise, I might hit the 15-lbs-lost mark by next weekend. That would give me plenty of time to reach my first goal by the first day of Valhalla. One can hope.

One of the things that has weighed heavily on me this weekend is that I know you had a Party this weekend. I guess I don’t know it for a fact, but I know it in my heart. Part of me wonders if that’s why Friday happened, but only a little. I know Friday happened because you love me and have missed me and we both wanted it to. It’s really hard for me to reconcile the fact that you guys are still playing. You can no longer lie to yourself and continue to say that you have a good marriage and that playing is part of it. You’re much more intelligent than that. I don’t understand why any of this is happening anymore, because to me, the only change I see you making is that you’ve tried to eliminate me from your life. If I wasn’t the problem in the first place (which is what you said), how is that going to help things?

I have another confession to make. On that Ugly Day, you made more than one reference to a month, and I hoped and prayed that you were going to give it a month and then you’d realize that what’s broken in your marriage cannot be fixed and you would come home to me. But you still haven’t talked to your parents, even though you’ve promised. And when we were at lunch, you told me that you and she had discussed going to an event next weekend. That would be the month marker. Are you just placating her in having those discussions? Or was that "magic month" just a product of the drama of that ugly weekend andwishful thinking? Or was I just making something out of nothing?

I’m getting too close to thinking about those things I don’t quite want to think about yet.

(7:24 PM) I’ve spent the entire day in my room. I’ve gone out enough to get some food and make a TOTAL pig of myself, today. I slept for a couple of hours, and woke up thinking you were on your way here.

I’ve realized that the reason I don’t want to think about those questions that are lurking is because I’m afraid if I let them come to the surface, I’ll make things happen. I know that’s weird (if it even makes sense). I guess I’m superstitious enough to think I can jinx things by wishing for good things.

This is what I know: we can’t go on being half together. It’s going to have to be all or nothing. And we both know that if you choose nothing, you’re digging your own grave. Because without me, your spirit, which I have seen take such beautiful shape over our 20 months together, will fade and die.

(11:30 PM) I eventually got to the point of actually obsessing, today. I logged in and out of EQ all day, hoping to see you on. I don’t know why. On party weekends, you’re never on before 3:00 on Sundays. Especially if it’s on of Her parties, which I suspect is the case this weekend. I actually found myself trembling when I finally logged in to find you on. I try so hard to read meaning in every single character you type to me. Generally I try to read the worst possible things into those characters until you give me reason to relax. Oddly enough, it’s a simple "xoxo =)" that will soothe me.

I just want to believe that Friday wasn’t just a moment of weakness. That’s it. It took me all day to figure out what exactly has been bothering me, and suddenly it’s just there, like driving down from the mountains and waiting for your ears to pop.

I just want to know that it’s not something you’re regretting, or making new rules about. I want to know that it’s something that happened because you love me so much that being away from me for one more day was too much to bear. I want to know that it’s something that will happen again, and that it’s something that’s making you think… really really think about this situation that we are in. Because frankly, Lunch Buddy, aside from the fact that we went 18 days without seeing each other and you don’t call me every day, anymore, nothing much else has changed. You still love me and know that you never have and never will love anyone the way you love me. I still love you so much it consumes me. And I’m still waiting for you to make up your mind — that’s something I’ve been doing for over a year now.

You have to stop lying to yourself. You can call it honor. You can call it a promise that you made. You can call it many things. But the truth is that the only thing really standing in the way of us having the future we deserve is your fear. I know. I know how hard it can be. I do. I know you feel like you have to support her because of her disability and you are afraid of not being there for the kids.

You don’t have to live in that house to be there for the kids. And you can pay spousal support. I don’t care if you never contribute a dime to our relationship. I don’t want your money. I want you. I want your heart and your spirit and your brain. I want your body and your strength. I love you so much and you love me just as much and nothing could be more wrong than letting our relationship wither.

Tell me that Friday didn’t feel like a cool rain after months of scorching drought… like an offer of a ride after having walked a long way with a heavy burden. We revive each other. We rejuvenate each other. We comfort and complete each other.

We belong together and you cannot deny that.