Day Twelve

April 15, 2006

Dear Lunch Buddy,

My high is waning, and it’s for a stupid reason. Last night, you told me you found my birthday or Christmas present. You told me all is well, sort of. I want to read a million hopeful things into these subtle clues.

I want to believe… I can only believe that you can’t live your life without me. You can’t continue to kid yourself about the quality of your life, now that you would be doomed to the starkness of your life with only her and not me.

But there were so many times while we were together that I thought it certain that we were moving toward a future together. And then She would have a melt down of one kind or another, and everything would freeze up between us for a while. So I hope, but guardedly.

This morning we were having our usual Saturday morning EQ date. You wished me Happy Easter and I told you to have one as well. You told me that it would be boring as you were going to the in-laws, and that made me so angry I started to cry. And my funk began creeping up again.

Of course, I’m pre-menstrual, so funk is a natural occurrence right now. And I woke up at 5:39 this morning having distinctly heard someone call my name. I’m so certain of it, that I forced myself awake enough to actually say, "yes?" I was sure it was my mother’s voice, but I really don’t know who or what it was. I do know that I was home alone, last night, as Roommate had gone to her mother’s.

One thing our separation has done is brought my family closer to me. My sister actually came over here. I know I’ve already written that, but that’s the first time she’s been to my place since I moved to Sacramento in May of 2000. She has been calling me a bit more regularly, and we chat on MSN quite frequently, now. She has a beautiful kitten she’s wanting me to take. I’m not sure I want to, though. I really want a dogie!

So I don’t think I’ve filled you in on the latest gossip around my folks. T, my 13 year old niece was spending her vacation with them and D, my 10 year old niece who lives with them. T is the niece who was caught calling boys she’d met on the internet and looking at pornography in D’s room. One night, at 3:30 in the morning, my dad got out of bed thinking that the girls had their TV turned up too loudly. It turned out that T and D actually had two boys out in the back room and T was letting them feel her up.

As I’m sure you can imagine, there’s some drama happening around there, right now, but there is an amusing story to come out of it. Apparently my mom was sitting at the table talking to D about all of this and told her, "You know this isn’t over, right? You’ve still got the Aunts to deal with." My dad heard this and shouted, "she’s got ants in her room, too???" My mom laughed and said, "no, Aunt Oniongirl, Aunt Sister, and Aunt Step Sister." My dad said, "Oooh. You mean the Killer Aunts." I can’t tell you the smile that puts on my face. It feels good to be a part of a strong female family.

So anyway, back to us, I have a feeling that you got mildly jealous this morning. Some guys in EQ were flirting with me and you seemed exceedingly concerned with it. I hadn’t even noticed. I really have no desire to devote the energy to anyone else that I’ve devoted to you. I don’t think I can take another disappointment. I want you or no one. My whole body craves you.

I’m so tired of thinking about this. I hope you make the right choice. I hope you talk to your parents. I hope you haven’t given up on us. We deserve to be together.

Body and Soul,

Addendum: I had been inspired to write much earlier than usual, tonight. So I wrote and posted a couple of hours ago. As I was playing games and puttering on the PC, though, I began to realize how much I have never really imagined our relationship moving forward. Such things as wedding plans and having you meet my family…. as just having you here and not having to submit to the whims of Her (btw, you don’t know how much restraint I am exercising in not referring to her as "the Bitch" or "the Whore" or worse), seem so outside of the realm of reality. I am so out of touch with what is real and what is fantasy it is frightening to me. I live in EQ, Renaissance Faire, Harry Potter, and our relationship. I feel like if you could just be here, my life would be real again. We’d be real.

I miss you so much.